Teen Mom Farrah Made A Porno With James Deen

Since murdering eardrums and showing off her new face on InTouch didn’t get Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom enough attention, she’s gone full shameless fame whore by pretending that the porn she made with porn star James Deen is a private sex tape that she doesn’t want to get out. Don’t you hate it when the planned fuck tape you made with a porn star in a studio while surrounded by two cameramen, three fluffers, a director and an  entire crew GETS leaked onto the internet? That’s the worst.

Earlier today, TMZ said that a sex tape starring Farrah’s post-op Gargamel-looking ass was up for sale and Vivid was going to make an offer for it. They “caught” Farrah shopping for panties at Agent Provocateur in L.A. yesterday afternoon and they asked her about it. Farrah sort of denied it and then a few minutes later her last tattered brain cell tore in two when she tried to figure out what the word “elaborate” means. TMZ has the video of the silicone implant in Farrah’s head exploding when their cameradude used a 3rd grade word around her, but if you don’t feel like looking at her confused plastic face, here’s the transcript:

TMZ: So, Farrah, can you elaborate a little bit on what we spoke about earlier?

Farrah: A library?

TMZ: No, “elaborate.”

Farrah: E-lab-or-ate? Who are you and why are you asking me about a tape?

TMZ: Have you heard about this, though? That you have a sex tape that’s out, that’s being shopped around right now?

Farrah: I don’t know. You know what? There should be no tape and if they’re shopping it around, my lawyer’s going to talk about that.

TMZ: Can you confirm its existence?

Farrah: I don’t exist anything about that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Personally that is going to make me upset, so I don’t know why you would ask me about it.

TMZ: We have sources that say that they’ve seen the tape and it’s an hour long.

Farrah: Who’s your source? You know what? I think it’s made up. People make shit up all the time.

TMZ: This could be advantageous to your career. A lot of young starlets get their start from these things.

Farrah: I’m not even worried about that. I work hard on my own professionally and I don’t need sex tapes or any of that bullshit.

This bitch had to sound out the word “elaborate.” In this dumb ho’s defense, she was walking and talking at the same time and we all know that’s really, really hard to do.

After Farrah bruised up the inside of her head while trying to form complete sentences, TMZ heard that James Deen was her sex tape co-star and so they asked him about it. James Deen admitted that he slapped his peen against Farrah’s chocha in a sex tape. But James said that it was strictly professional and they got tested on Friday and shot the tape on Saturday.

You know, maybe Farrah’s denials are authentic and genuine, because she is so damn stupid that she probably doesn’t remember what she did 10 minutes ago let alone a day ago. If Farrah is as good at boning as she is at putting together a thought, then Kim Kartrashian will lose her title as the deadest lay in a sex tape.

Here’s Farrah’s silicone chichis melting like two Junior Mints left out in the sun while posing in some photo shoot yesterday.

Lindsay Lohan Is Acting All Demure Again

Not a day goes by when Lindsay Lohan’s saggy tit bags aren’t playing patty cake with her knees during a topless photo shoot, but while shooting a scene for that low-budget, direct-to-Xtube movie The Canyons, she played the “ohmygawd I can’t possibly show the chichis everyone on this planet has seen at least a dozen times” card.

TMZ says that before filming a scene where HoHan had to pull her freckled floor dusters out, she got a sudden case of the shies and told the crew that she’d only get topless if they stripped down to their boxers. Usually when HoHan makes a bunch of dudes take their pants off, the scene ends with her distracting them by giving them lazy handjobs while White Oprah sneakily crawls into the room to snatch all of their wallets from their pant pockets. Yeah, so if you’re one of those crew members, now you know where your missing wallet went.

This obviously just a planted story to make LiLo looks like the epitome of modest and the crack industry’s answer to Mother Teresa. Or maybe…. this story is made of truth and she only made those dudes get down to their chonies, because she’s so used to making her johns strip as soon as they walk through the motel door to make sure they’re not cops. Occupational hazard!

James Deen Wants You To Know That He’s Not Sexing On Lindsay Lohan

Here’s porn star James Deen and future porn star Lindsay Lohan leaving a Fourth of July party in Santa Monica last night, and no, he didn’t drive her to Chateau Marmont where he bravely entered her crotch cavern of destruction with a crucifix in one hand and a vat of liquefied Valtrex in the other. That’s what James Deen claims anyway. During an interview with Animal NY, James said that he’s keeping shit strictly professional with HoHan and he’s simply just getting to know her before they shoot that low-budget, soft-core Bret Easton Ellis mess The Canyons. The Health Department doesn’t have to stick a Notice of Closure on James’ crotch for violating health code 5473 (aka doing Lindsay Lohan), because even though he’s dicked hundreds of tricks, LiLo isn’t one of them.

“I can definitely honestly say Lindsay Lohan and I are not having sex!”
Wouldn’t he tell me? “I think I would tell everybody.”
“I don’t know anything about her except for that she’s a really nice, down-to-earth, normal twenty-five-year-old girl. We went to a business dinner and she was very professional. She drank coffee and water. Then she had to call for a car because she couldn’t walk ten feet from the door because of the paparazzi.” Deen seems a little riled up, protective.

Translation: “EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS!”

You know, I totally believe James. James has an illustrious career in fuck films and why would he mess that up by dipping into LiLo’s Mordor cooch for a second or two? Does James really want the CDC to wrap a quarantine tent around him and keep him away from society until his tainted peen finally falls off? And if that didn’t happen, James’ 9-inch peen, which weighs more than him, would swear off all genitals and drag it him to the nearest monastery where it’d keep him up at night by muttering about freckled blue waffles.

And on a positive note, I give LiLo extra points for her A+ Mommie Dearest eyebrow game.