Heather From The Block

Fart away, JLo, because there’s a new Queen of the Boogie Down and her name is Heather Mills (Dear The Bronx, I’m queefing out jokes, so please don’t murder me with your eyes).

The Wicked Cunt of the UK dropped into the Bronx yesterday to open the first American branch of her vegan fast-food restaurant V-Bites (aka The Cunt Cafe). Heather is really trying to turn everybody in the Bronx into cardboard-eating vegans, because she’s already donated $1 million in vegan food to underprivileged children there.

While I was doing research for this important story (because I’m a serious journalist), I found this hot quote from the New York Daily News. Last year, they asked some residents of the Bronx about Heather Mills. Lashawnda Floyd said this: “Yeah, that’s the one with one leg or something.”

And seeing Heather standing next to her vegan restaurant really makes me want to eat a hot dog wrapped in bacon and stuffed between two hamburger patties with steak gravy on top.

Heather Mills Debuts Her New Line Of Trash

Last night in Los Angeles, the cunty cuntress of cuntery, Heather Mills, launched her new recycled fashion line called Be@one. Heather should’ve called her line Be@trash or Be@fug, because her clothes Be@SHIT!!

Heather told the audience that all of her pieces were made out of clothes and textiles that normally would be thrown into the trash. Heather said, “The collection consists of women’s and menswear, designed for the assertive, fashionable and eco-conscious person. All the fabrics used in the pieces have been carefully sourced and remodeled into something unique and highly wearable.”

Wearable for who exactly? Old timey prostitutes who were just attacked by Jack the Ripper? Or child touching flashers who want to fancy up their look a bit? Seriously, all of these clothes look like the halfway point of a Project Runway challenge.

Heather, stick to being a big cunt and leave the designing to the professionals (like Sheree).

And I don’t know about you, but in these pictures, Heather looks like something the Benjamin Button baby of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. It must be those maniacal eyes.

Behold, The New Gandhi

And here we go. Get your fist ready and apologize to your monitor in advance, because Heather Mill’s tongue is at it again. Poor, poor, poor Heather is just sick of being nailed to the cross with LIES and she is ready to spend her whole life fighting to get the truth out there. Heather is like a cunty version of Fox Mulder. Better yet, she’s this generation’s Gandhi. There goes your fist….

Heather told her local paper in Brighton (via Yahoo!) that she can relate to Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Gandhi, because they were all attacked by H8rs while trying to truth-tell. The Kate Gosselin of the UK queefed, “They were people who went through controversy to put the truth forward and they weren’t afraid to fight and I can relate to that completely.”

Gandhi believed in non-violence, but I think he would agree that we can briefly put that belief on hold to whoop this trick’s ass!

(Thanks Jayne)

Death To Those Who Talk Shit About Heather Mills!

If I should happen to drop dead in the next few seconds, I want the last words I have every typed to be: HEATHER MILLS IS A FUCKING CUNT. … ………. I’m still alive. Although, I may not be so lucky the next time, because Heather Mills says that anybody who writes shit about her will become worm meat.

In an interview with The Observer (via Digital Spy), Heather queefed, “The truth always outs in the end – no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they’ve got cancer, or they’ve had a tumour, or they’ve died. And it’s terrible for them, but they’ve done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round.”

I’ve been in Heather’s cunty corner until she brought up the whole “karma” thing. Does Heather really want to hop there? If she really believes in that shit, why hasn’t she been hit by a runaway bus in the middle of Abbey Road? Or lost a leg…. Oh, wait.

Where Was A Strong Wind When You Needed One?

A few months ago, Heather Mills bought a popular sea kitten restaurant in East Sussex, England and fired all the bitches. Heather queefed that she was going to turn the place into a vegan restaurant. Well, the time has come! Heather opened V-Bites yesterday and the only rotten kipper in the joint is Heather herself!

You know, the name “V-Bites” sounds short for vagina bites. This makes sense since Heather’s cunt does have teeth. Speaking of cunts…..

Heather’s hair is just two snips and a taser attack away from looking just like Kate Gosselin’s electrocuted possum head. Cunty cunts think alike! The Cuntress of the US and The Cuntress of the UK should really join forces and declare world domination. Two cunts are always better than one.

And because this post doesn’t have enough of the “cunt” word….CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!

All The Men In New York Want Heather Mills

It’s not even noon and I’m already shouting “CUNT!!!” at the top of my lungs. It’s going to be a good day. So, it’s time for your daily dose of delusion brought to you by the world’s most hated whore Heather Mills! Let the c-word roll off your tongue. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Heather Mills tells Page Six Magazine that ever since she has moved to NYC, men have been chasing her everywhere! The mega cunt said, “I’ve got so many stunning girlfriends who can’t get a boyfriend. But when I go out here, I get asked out all the time, and my girlfriends – who are better looking than me – say, ‘How the hell does that happen?!’ Maybe it’s because I’m comfortable with myself.”

Okay, what kind of men are “chasing” her? Are these Biggest Loser candidates we’re talking about, because you shouldn’t have to run that fast to catch her. She only has one leg! An alcoholic turtle with irritable bowel syndrome could catch up to her without trying.

I don’t think men are actually asking her out on a real date. They just want to get close to her so they can do the world a favor and punch her teeth out to hopefully shut her up for a while. Say it all together now……CUUUUUUNT! It’s like cunty music to my ears….