Fox Has Confirmed That An X-Files Reboot Is Happening

Excuse me, but I need a moment to slip into the kitchen and brew myself an extra-large mug of Throat Coat to deal with the 3rd degree scream damage I sustained from reacting to this news with a decibel-shattering YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS.

Typically whenever Hollywood announces that they’re going to reboot something (aka ruin it), I can’t roll my eyes fast enough or kick out enough chairs for Hollywood to take a seat, but not this time. Deadline says that Fox has confirmed that they’re bringing The X-Files back for a six-episode event, and that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will return as FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. No word on whether their hot no-nonsense hunk of a boss Skinner will be back, but that’s sort of irrelevant, considering he’s still making appearances in my dreams.

Series creator Chris Carter will also be involved, and he says he considers the time since the The X-Files finale in 2002 and this upcoming 6-epsiode series as a “13-year commercial break.” The X-Files ran for 9 seasons and produced two feature films, one of which was good (sit down, The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I wasn’t talking about you).

I know they haven’t said anything else about casting, but I really hope they bring back Doug Hutchison as Eugene Tooms, if only so they have an excuse to write a part for his gorgeous living x-file of a wife Courtney Stodden.

A Toples Gillian Anderson + An Eel Scarf = The Hell?

PETA better sharpen their shank, because some other charity called Fishlove is copying their game by using naked celebrities to spread their cause or something. Fishlove is trying to raise awareness for overfishing and obviously when you want to raise awareness for overfishing you drape dead creatures of the sea around naked famous hos including Gillian Anderson. I really don’t know what’s going on here, but I do know that eel wants nothing to do with this scene.

Fishlove sounds like the name of some illegal ass, dark-sided fetish that’ll get you banned from every aquarium and will make your friends hide their goldfish when you come over. (Side note: Fishlove also sounds like the name for a group of fans who appreciate Joanna Krupa’s vagine.)  This is like Japanese anime porn come to life.

Somebody get Misty Day to bring Jacques Cousteau back to life so that he can slap down all the hos involved in this mess. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, because if he came back to life and saw this, he might get the weirdest boner.

YOU Want To Believe

The truth is out there and apparently David Duchovny is trying to find the truth in Gillian Anderson’s punane. Nerds are jizzing themselves into a coma after Celeb Dirty Laundry said yesterday that Gillian and her kids are living with sexaholic David Duchovny in Los Angeles. Crazy Days and Nights recently revealed that his “two sort of married co-stars are living together” blind item from 2011 was about Gillian and David. This probably not true rumor will make some of your nipples hard with excitement, but my nipples will only get hard with excitement when Celeb Dirty Laundry posts a story about how one of my favorite TV couples, Beecher and Keller from OZ, are shacking up together in an apartment that looks like a jail cell.

Gillian recently broke up with her partner of a million years and David and Tea Leoni broke up for good last year. CDL doesn’t say much about this rumor except that Mulder and Scully have been exploring each other’s Uranuses for some time. They also point to an interview Gillian gave to The Sunday Times Magazine where she plays coy about having a full-time hump partner in her life:

I ask if she has a partner at the moment. Her answer is peculiar. “Um…yes…umm…umm…” There is a long pause. “Say yes,” she stutters finally.
Is this one we know about, I say, the father of the two youngest children, or a new one? “Umm, no, no… why do you ask me?” she counters.

If you still want to believe, then plug your eyes so you won’t have to read what David Duchovny’s spokeswhore said about this come-to-life fanfic shit. David’s rep broke nerd boners when they told Wonderwall that the rumor is fake.

So who is Gillian partnering up with then? My guess is that she’s shacking up with Flukeman. I mean, can you imagine the things that mouth can do?

Here’s David carrying some Chinese takeout in L.A. the other day. Yes, you can still write in your Mulder and Scully erotic fanfiction novel that he waltzed into his house and let Gillian eat lo mein noodles off his taint.