Gabriel Aubry Is Disappointed

The surprisingly nasty custody battle royale between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry just got another statement added to its file. Gabriel has responded to Halle’s claims that she’s concerned about leaving their daughter Nahla with him alone. Halle made it sound like Gabriel is brushing his golden locks with a silver comb in a mother of pearl mirror while Nahla is chewing on the strange plastic toy Kim Kardashian left at his house. Or something. But Gabriel wants you to know that Halle must be me morphing back into her Jungle Fever crack whore character, because she is spewing lies and he’s a loving father who would never hurt his child. Gabriel’s rep said that he’s not going to air his shit out to the press, and then he kept talking. The statement from Access Hollywood.

“While Gabriel is disappointed in Halle’s decision to falsely malign him publicly and for her own purposes, he refuses to be pulled into her dispute over a canceled film production. Gabriel also refuses to air their issues in the press as he believes this may ultimately harm their daughter. The fact is that Gabriel is a caring father who shares custody of Nahla.

Gabriel fully believes that a consistent and balanced living situation and two loving parents are crucial for their child even if Ms. Berry feels otherwise. He will always defend his rights as a father and will always consider Nahla’s best interest. Halle’s continuing allegations in the press are untrue and irresponsible.”

I really have nothing more to add. But mostly because my ass is pressed against that picture on my monitor and it’s getting really hard to type upside down.

Halle Said, Gabriel Said

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry named their kid after a character in The Lion King, but they definitely can’t feel the love tonight (let me use the facilities first and then you can GONG! me). Halle’s rep issued a statement last night saying that she’s pulling out of a movie, because she needs to focus on a Losing Isaiah-like custody battle against Gabriel Aubry. Halle says she’s not comfortable leaving Nahla in Gabriel’s care, and his friends say that she’s ALL-CAPS CRAZY!!! But Halle’s friends slapped back and said he’s the one who needs to smoke a bowl through a bong made of Xanax and settle down.

In Gabriel’s corner, his friends tell TMZ that when he was dating a trick last year, Halle channeled her Gothika character and brought the rage on him. Apparently, Halle doesn’t want to fuck Gabriel, but she doesn’t want anybody else fucking him either. Gabriel’s friends also say that when they were all in South Africa while Halle was shooting a movie, she was with Olivier Martinez when she should’ve been taking care of Nahla. Gabriel thinks that Halle cares more about peen than her own daughter.

In Halle’s corner, sources close to her say that Gabriel is the shit parent who is as jealous as he is crazy. Sources went on to say that Halle has reason to believe that Gabriel’s mind is elsewhere when he’s taking care of Nahla and she’s afraid something bad will happen. You know, if I looked like Gabriel, I’d probably spend most of my time staring in the mirror instead of making sure my kid doesn’t stick her finger in the electrical socket, so I can’t blame him.

But seriously, this is turning into some ugly ass shit between two pretty people. I haven’t seen Halle or Gabriel’s mental health file, but TMZ makes both of them sound absolutely motherfucking nuts. Why don’t they just leave Nahla with Simba for a few while they fight out in a padded room.