Good Behavior Got Screech Out Of Jail Early

Kevin the Robot has made his last lonely visit to jail. [Robot voice] “Thank god. I was getting a little tired of being asked to smuggle in cigarettes in my battery slot.” According to TMZ, Dustin Diamond’s four-month trip to jail is over. Screech from Saved By The Bell went to jail back in January for stabbing a dude with a switchblade at a bar in Wisconsin in 2014 and got four months behind bars for it. But Screech won’t serve all four months, because Screech has been a good boy. (Ew, did I just type a sentence more barf-making than Screech’s sex tape? Maybe.)

Higher-ups at the Wisconsin jail where Dustin Rhinestone was held tell TMZ that Dustin was released one month early for “good behavior.” Why do I get the feeling that “good behavior” is code for “he was annoying our asses just as much as he used to annoy the gang at Bayside.” No, apparently Screech got a month of jail time deleted from his sentence by cleaning floors and doing laundry. I guess this is technically the first time Screech didn’t stick around long past his expiration date (see: Saved By The Bell: The New Class), so good for him?

No word on what Dustin has planned now that he’s been released, but I’m hoping it doesn’t involve stabbing anyone else at a bar with a switchblade. Maybe the Hot Sundaes will help him stay on the straight and narrow (or whatever road doesn’t end with poo porn and knives) by hiring him as their tour manager. Or maybe he could mentor future has-beens on the dangers of knife play. “Trust me, Iggy Azalea, it’s not worth it!”

Pic: Wenn.com

Dustin Diamond Is Spending The Next Four Months In Jail For That Time He Stabbed A Guy In A Bar

And just like that, Dustin Diamond was able to yank back his ‘Messiest Post-Saved by the Bell Career’ crown from Lisa Turtle’s head. Although I doubt it sat on his head for very long; I’m sure Kevin the Robot has already traded it in at the Cash-4-Gold shop closest to the jail and deposited the funds into Dustin’s commissary account. (Kevin was programmed to be stupid loyal).

So, remember last Christmas when Screech from Saved by the Bell gave a dude his heart – and by heart, I mean a switchblade to the body – during a bar brawl in Wisconsin? Well, he’s going to jail for that shit. According to TMZ, Zack and Slater’s forever definition of “I don’t know him” checked into the Ozaukee County Jail in Port Washington, Wisconsin on Friday night to serve a four-month sentence.

Dustin is only doing four months in the little house (prison is the big house, right?) because he claimed he totally didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet back in December 2014, and a judge ruled that he wasn’t guilty of stabbing. He was, however, guilty of being a dried-up dingleberry clinging to humanity’s longest asshair. No, he was found guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct.

No word on whether or not Screech will be sharing a cell, but I’m guessing he’ll probably be given his own room. After all, I can’t think of a crime serious enough that would warrant a punishment like sharing a jail cell with Screech from Saved by the Bell. Actually, now that I think of it, I could totally see them putting Screech in solitary and using him as a threat. “One more shot, and you’re spending 24-hours alone with the most annoying TV character from the 90s, and I’m not talking about Steve Urkel or Joey Gladstone’s Woodchuck puppet.”

Pic: Ozaukee County Sheriff (via Splash)

Dustin Diamond Has Been Found Not Guilty Of Stabbing That Guy He Stabbed

“Former Child Star.” I guess “Current Life Mess” was too harsh.

After testifying yesterday that he totally didn’t mean to pull a switchblade and stab a 25-year-old guy during a brawl at a Wisconsin bar last Christmas, TMZ says Dustin Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing that guy. “Oh thank god” bleep-blooped Kevin, who wasn’t sure how he’d get his robot ass back and forth to prison to visit Screech.

According to TMZ, the jury believed Dustin when he said he didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet with his switchblade, so they cleared him of a felony charge of recklessly endangering public safety. Ironically, he’s still very much guilty of recklessly endangering public safety, according to anyone who ran out of their house and projectile vomited into the street after watching his porno.

But Screech isn’t totally off the hook. The jury found him guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail. The guy Screech stabbed was found guilty of disorderly conduct and might spend 90 days in jail. Getting stabbed by Screech and going to jail, all because you wanted a blurry cellphone picture of Screech? Damn, I don’t know who needs to get their life (copyright: Tamar Braxton) more in this situation.

Since Dustin Diamond is famous-adjacent and everybody loves that Saved By The Bell shit, my money is on that he’s probably not going to do those 9 months in jail. Then again, if that judge was more of a California Dreams fan, then he might want to call up Mr. Belding and ask him to pack up a duffel bag with a couple pairs of his best wacky pants and inform the world there’s a chance there will be one less messy former child star in it for the next little while.

Dustin Diamond Wants You To Know He Totally Didn’t Mean To Stab That Guy He Stabbed

Back in December, Dustin Diamond redefined the words MESS (and coming from a dude who appears to be wearing a piss-stained garbage mattress as a shirt, that’s saying a lot) by getting into a fist-fight with a couple who tried to take his picture in a Wisconsin bar on Christmas, then pulling a switchblade and stabbing a 25-year-old dude named Casey Smet.

Well, Dustin Diamond has plead “not guilty” to that time he stabbed a guy because he totally didn’t mean to stab that guy. Page Six says that Screech showed up in a Wisconsin court earlier today and testified that he was just trying to protect his girlfriend Amanda Schutz. Screech claims the couple were harassing him and he felt he was being “set up for antagonistic purposes.” He claims he only took out the switchblade to “take the fight out” of the couple and scare them a little. Of course, the fight escalated, and Casey got shanked.

Screech could face up to 10 years in prison if he’s found guilty. “I’ll wait for you!” just yelled Violet Bickerstaff.

Dustin also managed to throw a little verbal side-eye at Casey in court, because that’s a good idea. Casey claimed he didn’t know he got stabbed until he started talking to the police. Dustin brought that up and then proposed this question: how could he have stabbed someone if the person who got stabbed didn’t even know they got stabbed. Ah, truly one of life’s great mysteries. Sorry, “If a tree falls in the forest“, but you’ve been replaced.

In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, Screech Is Still A Mess (UPDATE)

Well, it’s good to know that Dustin Diamond Cubic Zirconia is still the biggest yeast infection bump of the Saved By The Bell cast and that’s saying a lot since Mario Lopez was in that cast.

Gossip Cop says that Screech (which is also the sound his career made after SBTB ended) was arrested in Port Washington, Wisconsin early this morning after he allegedly pulled a switchblade on a woman at a bar. Apparently, the neck beard-having urethra pimple and his piece (TMZ says the piece is his wife Jennifer and Gossip Cop says it’s his girlfriend Amanda) got into a fight with another couple at the bar. TMZ says that the couple Screech and his piece were fighting with were trying to take a picture of them. The fight led to Screech’s piece reportedly punching out a woman. The cops were eventually called and that’s when Screech pulled a switchblade on a trick.

Screech’s piece was arrested for disorderly conduct and was released back into the wild this morning. Screech was also put into handcuffs and charged with possession of a switchblade, reckless endangerment and carrying a concealed weapon. His bail has been set at $1,000, so I’m sure Mr. Belding got a call really early this morning from a drunken mess asking for a loan. Screech is still sitting his pathetic ass in jail, so who knows if he’ll be saved by the bail or not.

Carrying a switchblade is against the law in Wisconsin.

This Christmas story has so many layers of messiness and I have many questions. Who in the Hell carries a switchblade? Does Dustin Diamond think he’s Pony Boy or some shit? Who in the Hell tries to take a picture of Screech’s ass in the year 2014? I know it’s Wisconsin, but damn. What kind of human woman goes out in public with Screech?!

And Screech doesn’t need to carry around a switchblade. If he really wants to inflict pain on a trick with a deadly weapon, he should just give them a copy of his sex tape. I haven’t been the same since watching that dark-sided nastiness.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Screech stabbed a dude with his switchblade and left a 1/2 inch wound. Screech claims that the guy he stabbed attacked he and his wife. Screech’s bail isn’t $1,000, it’s $10,000. So yeah, every SBTB cast member isn’t answering the phone today.