Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Wife Beth Chapman Is In A Medically-Induced Coma

There was a time when the saddest thing news I could imagine about Dog the Bounty Hunter’s fifth wife Beth Chapman might be that she dyed her I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter-colored hair a bland boxed dye brown. Today we have actual, legitimate sad news pertaining to Beth. TMZ reports that Beth’s health has taken a turn, and she’s currently in a medically-induced coma.

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Girlfriend-Beating MMA Fighter War Machine Has Been Hunted Down, But Not By Dog The Bounty Hunter

War Machine, the roided-up human garbage person and MMA fighter who attempted to rape/succeeded in beating the shit out of his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, has finally been apprehended after spending a week running from the Las Vegas police like a Monster-fueled fugitive coward. And remember how Dog the Bounty Hunter said he was going to be the one to do it? Yeah, never happened. TMZ says that War Machine was captured yesterday almost 300 miles away at a hotel in Simi Valley, California by U.S. Marshals (hands up if you also imagined he was pursued by Tommy Lee Jones), who found him sitting alone on a hotel bed with a pizza and a small amount of cash. Pizza and cash? He definitely seems more like a bag of Jack Links and a prepaid VISA card kind of dude to me. Continue reading

Dog The Bounty Hunter Is Hunting Down The MMA Fighter Who Beat His Girlfriend

MMA fighter and alpha asshole, War Machine (and yes, that’s his legal name), is on the run from Las Vegas police after they issued a warrant on his ass for viciously beating and trying to rape his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack. Christy is laid up in the hospital with serious injuries and yesterday on Twitter she told the story along with pictures of her beat up face. Christy says that she broke up with War Machine months ago, but over the weekend he showed up to her house at 2 in the morning. When he found her with a friend, the roids in his veins boiled and he went “Ike Turner as the Hulk” crazy. War Machine threw friend out of the house, ordered her to get naked, beat her repeatedly, cut off her hair with a dull knife and tried to rape her but couldn’t get it up. Christy eventually got away and a neighbor drove her to the hospital.  Christy has a broken jaw, nose, eye socket, missing teeth, a fractured rib and a ruptured liver. War Machine wet farted out some bullshit story on Twitter about how he was going to Christy’s house to propose to her and ended up “fighting for his life.” You can read the whole nightmare of a story here if you haven’t already. (“Nightmare? That’s a love story!” – Chris Brown) The Las Vegas police say they’re actively searching for him and there’s a $10,000 reward for his capture. And now Dog the Bounty Hunter and his glorious mullet of justice are getting into the game and coming for War Machine.

TMZ says that Dog somehow got a hold of War Machine and threatened to hunt him down if he doesn’t turn himself over to police in the next 24 hours . Once the 24 hours is up, we all better hold onto something strong, because Dog’s powerful mullet will whip up a wind storm when he goes running after that dried glob of smegma stuck to a pig’s dick slit (no offense to dried globs of smegma stuck to a pig’s dick slit).

Dog also let it be known on Twitter that he’s going after War Machine, because he does have a reality show to sell, brah:

So a bounty hunter who goes by the name Dog is chasing after a lady-beating cage fighter who legally changed his name to War Machine? That entire scenario is sponsored by Monster energy drink and features outfits provided by Ed Hardy and a soundtrack by Seether.

Dog might be attention whoring and is tweeting those threats on the lanai of his Hawaiian home while sipping on a Mai Tai that’s sitting on Beth Chapman’s luscious chichis, but he’s on to something. War Machine’s capture should be on Dog the Bounty Hunter and his trial should be on Judge Judy. I was going to say that they should televise his prison sentence on pay-per-view, but he wouldn’t make it to prison since Judge Judy would rip out his bones with her claws and use them to make herself a new judicial throne.