DanRad Wants Cristiano Ronaldo’s Body

Since thousands of penis aficionados lined up to see DanRad’s crotch wand in (Guilty!!!), the producers of the upcoming Broadway revival of EquusHow To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying are going for the same approach. Apparently, they want DanRad to bare his nipples in a couple of scenes and it’s got him reaching for the ab roller.

A source tells The Sun, “Daniel wants to completely re-sculpt his body and has taken Ronaldo as his inspiration. He envies his muscle definition and is hoping to get a similar six-pack for himself. Daniel is taking his fitness regime really seriously. He’s stopped drinking, knocked the fags on the head and is watching every mouthful. He put on a little timber last year and is keen to get down to a more svelte shape. He’s already lost nearly a stone in the past month.”

“Knocked the fags on the head” is today’s phrase that pays. That sounds like a naked version of Duck Duck Goose Kevin Spacey plays on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyways, DanRad does know the secret to Cristiano’s abs, right? Cristiano isn’t doing crunches in between slathering his body with duck sauce from Panda Express. No. Every day, Cristiano sits in front of his bathroom mirror and plucks each brow hair out with a pair of hot tweezers. The pain causes him to squeeze his ass cheeks and abs at the same time. Voila! So if DanRad wants a six-pack like Cristiano, he’s going to have to sacrifice his furry caterpillar friends.

Harry Pothead And The Bong Of Smoke

In the Daily Mirror today, they have an item about how friend to all Daniel Radcliffe got oral with a delicious paper penis filled with the good shit. And he swallowed. THIS IS NEWS.

While at a party in London, DanRad took several deep drags from a joint, which caused him to break out into a fit off non-stop giggles. DanRad was so deep in a green fog that he let some girl draw a stache on his face. A girl who witnessed DanRad’s acts of stonery said this, “Daniel was laughing and seemed to find it funny. But he didn’t really look like he knew what was going on. I was surprised by his behavior. He is a kids’ favorite. I’m not sure what his fans will make of it. Daniel looked spaced out and away with the fairies. He didn’t want us to recognize him. When I said he looked like that actor in Lord of the Rings [Elijah Wood], he got a bit funny and said, ‘No, that’s not me’. He looked pretty uncomfortable.”

Before leaving, DanRad turned to the other partygoers and proclaimed, “I LOVE WEEEEEED!”

Laughing until you’ve got cotton mouth? Humping on gay ass fairies? Letting someone jizz on you with a Sharpie? Declaring your heart is full now that you’ve found your soulmate (weed)? Yup, that pretty much sums up my first time too. It sounds like Harry Potter got his weed cherry popped.

Harry Potter Will Sing, Harry Potter Will Dance

Daniel Radcliffe has the itch for Broadway again and it’s telling him to dance DANCE DANCE! Variety (via NYDN) says that DanRad will flutter and sing in a revival of How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. If you ask me, DanRad should first take a class in How To Succeed in Showing Your Peen In A Broadway Play first.

DanRad, who took it all off in Equus last year, will take part in a reading of the musical this December. If the reading goes well, they will start planning a full production for next year.

The last time the musical was revived on Broadway was in 1995. It starred Matthew Broderick. You better believe Matthew is going to ring up DanRad and offer to help him with “getting into character.” Matthew’s technique involves several flavors of lube and deep breathing exercises. Such a Thespian!