Please Don’t You Be My Neighbor

STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you’ve been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor’s grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.

While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).

From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”

From Sweetas: PUKE.

I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she’s SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there’s something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor’s past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y’know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I’m going with this.

Conor Kennedy Meets The Parents

Here’s a blurry picture tweeted by @TheSwiftys of 22-year-old Taylor Swift a dude who is supposedly her 18-year-old high schooler boyfriend Conor Kennedy eating food with her parents at a restaurant in Nashville last week. That picture is so grainy that it almost looks like a painting. If you framed it with a mahogany frame and hung it in an art booth at the swap meet, it would look like Thomas Kinkade himself stroked all over it. It’s so damn blurry if you told me it was really a picture of Mike from The Glass House (I can’t believe I’m still watching that show), Debbie Rowe, Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart playing a game of chess with really strange-looking chess pieces, I’d say you were right.

E! News says that Taylor and her young Kennedy piece are still in Nashville and she’s showing him all around her hometown since he took her around his hometown earlier last month. Even though Taylor and Conor have only recently went sort of public with the fact that they’re hand holding under a willow tree and shit, rumors say that they’ve been together for longer than a quick minute and she Mary Kay Letourneau-ed him by dating him before he turned 18. They decided to make it public a day after his 18th birthday last month.

The source also said that things between Taylor and Conor Kennedy are so serious that they’ve already said “I love you” to each other. Saying “I love you” doesn’t mean shit. When you’re an 18-year-old boy and a 13-year-old fairy girl trapped in the body of a 22-year-old woman, you say I love you to everyone! The only way we’ll really know if these two are serious about each other is if Taylor passes a note to Conor that reads “Do you want to go around with me? Circle yes or no” and he circles “yes” before passing it back. It’s the only way.