Headbutt Your Wife, Lose Your Job

I don’t know shit about football, but I do know you can’t headbutt a bitch without her wearing a helmet. Which is why the Miami Dolphins have kicked Chad Johnson’s violent ass out of their pool at Seaworld.

According to Fox Sports (I think that was the first time this fag-o-tron visited their webpage – there’s no guys in jockstraps. Lame.), Chad got the bye-bye wave after being charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. He head-butted his wife and that’s it? Did the police not see that scud missile dude has for a melon? Mr. Potato Head had a violent, developmentally disabled brother the family kept chained in the cellar and it looked like that.

There’s more deets from the early Sunday morning incident courtesy of TMZ. Chad’s Basketball Wife (they let you stay on the show even if you change the sport you groupie for) Evelyn Lozada ran to the neighbors house with a cut on her head after their fight. Johnson was said to have been driving around their neighborhood looking for her when the police caught up to them. *shiver* He claimed he was driving around to give her time to calm down, blamed the fight on her and said SHE head-butted HIM.

Lozada reportedly told police that he was screaming “I don’t give a f**k! I don’t give a f**k about my career!” after he attacked her. Don’t threaten the Miami Dolphins with a good time, girl.

That sort of threat is why you make sure you don’t have any firearms in the house when you’re two assholes with no morals marrying for fame/money/appearances. People like that usually have a complete lack of morals and a sanity indicator light that’s blinking.

Abigail and Brittany Hensel Get Their Own TLC Reality Show

Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel have been on Oprah, were in Life magazine, were the stars of a totally Photoshopped picture one of them giving a beej while the other one sort of hung out, and now they’re FINALLY getting their time under the reality show spotlight thanks to you know who: TLC. The hole that burned into my heart when Lori & George stepped out of the spotlight has now been filled with Abby & Brittany.

TLC’s cameras follow the 22-year-old two-for-one twins as they begin their post-college life and take a trip to Europe. Yes, Abby and Brittany look happier than all of us and their story is pretty inspirational, but since we’re mature adults who constantly ask tactful questions, we’re all wondering the same thing: “How many coochies do they have? Who gets to have the orgasm? If one swallows, will the other one spit it back up?” Well, Wiki answered some of my questions.

Each twin has control of one side of their body and sense of touch is restricted to her side of the body. Wiki gets extra detailed by listing how many organs Abby & Brittany have:

2 heads
2 spines merging at the coccyx and joined at the thorax by sections of ribs. Surgery was employed to correct scoliosis.
2 completely separate spinal cords
2 arms (originally 3, but rudimentary central arm was surgically removed, leaving central shoulder blade in place)
1 broad ribcage with 2 highly fused sternums and traces of bridging ribs. Surgery was employed to expand the pleural cavities.
2 breasts
2 hearts in a shared circulatory system (nutrition, respiration, medicine taken by either affects both)
4 lungs with the medial lungs moderately fused, not involving Brittany’s upper right lobe; three pleural cavities
1 diaphragm with well-coordinated involuntary breathing, slight central defect
2 stomachs
2 gallbladders
1 liver, enlarged and elongated right lobe
Y-shaped small intestine, which experiences a slightly spastic double peristalsis at the juncture
1 large intestine with one colon
3 kidneys: 2 left, 1 right
1 bladder
1 set of reproductive organs
2 separate half-sacrums, which converge distally
1 slightly broad pelvis
2 legs

And now TLC is the only channel I need in my life thanks to Honey Boo Boo Chile and now Abby & Brittany. And if you’re a pair of pregnant redneck conjoined teen twins who are former child beauty queens and own a cake shop that caters only to little Amish people, call TLC, because your dream of being on The Soup every week can come true!

via ONTD