Every Kiss Begins With Kay, Every Fart Begins With….

Many celebrity marriages end up in the shit can, so Bear Grylls’ proposal to his wife was especially poetic. Bear redefined the art of the proposal when he asked his now wife of 14 years Shara Knight (that would make a hot drag name, by the way) to marry him right after he pulled a ring from between his ass cheeks. Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolate diamonds are made. Bear told the tale of raw romance during an interview on the BBC’s Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (via Uproxx) last week. Bear shared the story with Piers, because Piers pulls a lot of shit out of his ass, so Bear thought he would appreciate it.

Bear said that while skinny dipping in an ocean somewhere, he took Shara’s hand and as her heart skipped a beat, he farted out her engagement ring.

“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks. She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach. I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around. So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”

Beautiful. That’s kind of how John Travolta’s proposal to Kelly Preston went, except he “accidentally” swallowed the ring if you know what I mean.

When Bear presented Shara with that butt diamond, she held her breath and only because she didn’t want to heave while thinking to herself, “I really hope that’s a funny-looking, dull canary diamond and not a piece of corn. I mean, we did have grilled corn on the cob for lunch.” Shara said yes of course, because any man whose ass cheeks can hold onto a ring while he swims in the ocean is the man for her. Jake Gyllenhaal is probably making a sad face right now. Jake kept his hands between Bear’s butt cheeks (butt cheeks are nature’s hand warmer) to stay warm as they filmed that episode in the cold together and he didn’t pull out a ring. He feels so cheated.

And after Shara slipped on that ring (which I’m guessing either came from Fartier, Hairy Shitstain, Tiffany & Poo or Buttgari), she and Bear toasted to their future with crystal flutes full of some funny-smelling bubbly.

Bitch Got Fired: The Bear Grylls Edition

In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men’s bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian’s golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him.”

I hardly watched that mess, but it’s still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I’ll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.