I’ll Be Watching You

Go check your closet right now because there could be a ho living in there and you don’t even know it!

A 57-year-old dude in Japan knew something in the milk wasn’t clean when food started disappearing from his kitchen. He decided to figure out what the hell was going on by installing video cameras in the home where he lived alone.

The video cameras caught someone walking around when he wasn’t around. The man immediately called the po po. They searched his home and found a 58-year-old woman living in one of his closets. The police said the woman got a mattress and a couple of plastic bottles into the tiny space. I’m guessing the plastic bottles were for pee pee times.

The woman was arrested. She told police she had nowhere else to live. The po po think she lived there for about a year, but not for the whole time. They think she was closet-hopping from joint to joint.

This is my ultimate nightmare come true! This is some Grudge shit!

Wait, maybe there’s some creepy bitch living in my apartment and I don’t know it. A whole box of Oreos seems to go missing around 11pm every night…. It’s the closet witch! By “closet witch” I mean my stomach. That sneaky mofo.

Source

Thanks Shy

This Woman Is Married To The Berlin Wall

54-year-old Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer of Sweden claims to have been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Her surname translates into English as Berlin Wall. Clever. NOT.

Eija said she’s been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality. Basically, she likes to do sexay times with inanimate objects. She has never had sex with a human. She should try fucking any of the dudes on “The Bachelor.” They are as wooden as they come.

She first fell in love with the wall when she was just 7-years-old. She visited it 5 times before marrying it in 1979 in front of a few guests.

She said, “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy. The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier.” I hope she covers her chocha in metal when she gets freaky with her man. I hear his dick is solid as a rock! No mortal vagina can handle it.

When the wall was torn down in 1989, Eija’s heart broke. She said, “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband.” She still keeps models of her husband when he was in his prime.

This woman needs to meet the dude that has fucked 1,000 cars. They have a lot to talk about.

Visit her website to learn more

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Thanks Kayla

This Dude Has Had Sex With 1,000 Cars

CAR SLUT! Meet Edward Smith from Washington state. He claims to have romanced around 1,000 cars and he’s proud of it. Edward is pictured with his latest girlfriend, a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla. Vanilla is a slut. You can tell. Look at that way she’s fucking us with her eyes. No wonder Edward can’t keep his genitals off of her. She probably lets him do it in her exhaust pipe. WHORE!

He told the Telegraph, “I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change. I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”

57-year-old Edward isn’t attracted to men or women. He only likes cars. It started when he was just 15 and it hasn’t stopped. He also doesn’t only fuck cars. His said his most “intense sexual experience” was with a helicopter from the TV show Airwolf.

Edward is not alone. He belongs to an internet forum for “car lovers.”

This brings new meaning to the saying, “get her motor running.”

Visit the Telegraph to read the entire interview and to learn about his other “girlfriends.”

Thanks Delilah

17,328 Boxes

15-year-old Jennifer Sharpe from Dearborn, Michigan might have set a National record for the amount of Girl Scout cookies sold in one season. Jennifer sold 17,328 boxes in just one season. WHA?! Did she hit up Brit Brit’s house or something?

Jennifer set up shop in a church parking lot from 3pm to 7pm. Monday through Saturday. Sundays, she moved her operation to an auto parts store from 11am to 7pm.

She said, “I know how to get people to buy more. If they buy two boxes and they hand me a 10, I’d be like, ‘For 50 cents more, you can get three,’ because three boxes are $10.50.” Homegirl is a hustler!

A rep for the Girl Scouts of America said there’s no National record on the books.

I admit it, I bought 17,000 of those boxes. Honestly, I still have boxes sitting in my freezer. There’s only so many bowls of Trefoils and milk you can eat in one day. There needs to be a Girl Scout cookie recipe book, because I’m running out of ways to each this shit.

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Thanks Kristi

That’s What You Call A Shitty Seat

Gokhan Mutlu has filed a $2 million lawsuit against JetBlue Airways claiming they made him sit in the bathroom for part of his flight. In court papers, Gokhan said the pilot of his full Feb. 28 flight from San Diego to New York ordered him to give up his seat to a flight attendant who wanted to be more comfortable than she was in her jump seat.

They told him he could go sit in the toilet. WTF! The pilot told him the jumper seat was for personnel only. And he went! Gokhan said, “They put me in the toilet. I don’t feel good about it. I don’t feel good about it at all.” Gokhan sat in there through turbulence without a seatbelt on.

Gokhan also claimed that while he was sitting in the bathroom, he opened the door and was laughed at by two male flight attendents. Those bitchy queens! He said that while everyone enjoyed their in-flight entertainment he had to “flush the toilet and hear the sound of water for entertainment.”

JetBlue would not comment. They claimed they had not seen the lawsuit yet.

If this shit is true then Gokhan has to be the dumbest bitch ever. How the hell are you going to let some asshole tell you to go and sit in the shitter during a flight? I would have created a fucking shit storm. They would have had to call in the military, UFOs and Superman to control my age.

I also think we might have found Pam Babcock aka toilet lady a new man. He only sat there for 3 hours, but she can train him to sit longer. Love on the toilet seat.

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The Price Of Fashion

17-year-old Marche Taylor wore this elegant and sophisticated dress to her high school prom and school officials were not amused. Marche showed up to Madison High’s prom at the Sugar Land Marriot in Texas and didn’t make it past the lobby. School officials would not allow her inside the prom, because they felt her outfit was not appropriate.

Marche said, “I actually like the dress. Everybody else likes my dress.” No, the dress did not come from the Shauna Sand prom dress collection. Marche had it custom made. Yeah, she just grabbed a few bedroom sheets and wrapped them around her. Custom made my ass!

Marche and school officials began to argue, because Marche felt she was being treated unfairly. She offered to cover up more, but officials still wouldn’t let her inside, because she wasn’t wearing underwear. Well, the girl is thinking ahead! She doesn’t want to worry about a pesky thing like panties when she’s getting hers later in the night.

Marche then demanded her money back. Things got so bad that the cops were called. They showed up, handcuffed Marche and escorted her out. A photographer snapped a photo of Marche being led out in handcuffs in her classy dress.

Slutty dress? Handcuffed by police officers? That sounds like my kind of prom. The school principal was just jealous! That shit is classy right there. Big Lots should hire Marche to design a new line of hot prom dresses for them. I mean, teen hookers go to their proms too!

Thanks Marianne