Billion Dollar Memaw

The Sun is reporting that Baby Jesus’ favorite burp nurse Madge has been offered 1 billion fucking dollars to pop her pussy and bust her biceps in a Las Vegas show for five long years. ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Somebody at The Sun must have been sniffing Wite-Out way too fast again, because there’s way too many zeroes in that number. $1 billion for a dinner theater floor show starring Keyboard Cat, La Toya Jackson, Antoine Dodson and La Tigresa del Oriente, YES! $1 billion for a show starring Madge, NO.

The Sun’s sources says Madge is thinking about possibly accepting the $1 billion deal. But LVRJ’s Norm McDonald says there’s no way she was offered $1 billion. A Las Vegas entertainment agent says that in order for her to make $750 million a year, the average ticket price for her show would have to be $200 and she’d have to do 5 shows a week for 50 weeks. The agent added, “That’s impossible. She’s not going to work 50 weeks.”

Celine Dion recently signed a new 3 year deal with Caesars Palace worth $100 million and she only has to do 70 shows a year.

Norm McDonald also dug up a Madge quote from a few years ago when she was asked if she would ever do a sit-down in Las Vegas. At the time she said, “That’s insane. I hate Las Vegas. I couldn’t bear it for five minutes.”

This is true. That heat would instantly melt the silicone cutlets in Madge’s face. Bitch would have to travel around in one of those air-conditioned True Blood coffins. Actually, I think she already does. AND how is she going perform her midnight beauty ritual of slathering her entire body with blood from a virgin’s inaugural menstrual cycle when there aren’t any virgins in Las Vegas! Poor Baby Jesus would have to crawl deep into the desert to find one. Yeah, this isn’t happening.