A Chess Grandmaster Denies Accusations That He Cheated Using Vibrating Anal Beads
The chess world has been rocked by its biggest scandal in years: one of the players lost their virginity! JK, chess players probably have groupies in every chess city in the world. No, this scandal concerns 19-year-old chess grandmaster, Hans Niemann. The Evening Standard reports that, after winning a game against the world’s #1 grandmaster, Magnus Carlsen, Hans was hit with social media accusations that he cheated using vibrating anal beads that provided him with perfect A.I. moves. Hmmm, maybe refs should have known something was up when Hans crossed his eyes, drooled, and made Professor Frink noises right before moving his bishop to A5.
On September 4, Hans caused a major upset when he defeated 31-year-old Magnus at the Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis. This broke Magnus’ 53-game winning streak, and he immediately withdrew from the tournament. The next day he tweeted that he hoped to be back at the St. Louis Chess Club, and added a clip of soccer manager Jose Mourinho saying, “I prefer not to speak. If I speak I am in big trouble… and I don’t want to be in big trouble.” Clearly, Magnus was insinuating something scandalous:
I've withdrawn from the tournament. I've always enjoyed playing in the @STLChessClub, and hope to be back in the future https://t.co/YFSpl8er3u
— Magnus Carlsen (@MagnusCarlsen) September 5, 2022
Despite zero evidence that there was any cheating on Hans’ part, the chess community began accusing the young player of using cheating technology. First, there was the theory that Hans used a vibrating shoe connected to a computer program to give him the best moves. That soon ramped up to speculations about Hans using a prostate massager or wireless anal beads. Soon, Hans was banned from Chess.com and uninvited from its Global Championship in Toronto.
Hans did an interview with the Saint Louis Chess Club to defend himself. He said he’s not a cheater… currently. He admitted that he used to cheat at games on Chess.com to up his rankings when he was 12 years old (although, later on, he mentions cheating at age 16). But Hans emphatically denies that he ever cheated in a real-life game. He says that, after these allegations, he’s been banned from Chess.com and its tournaments, but there’s zero evidence to back up the insinuations. Hans calls it a targeted attack to ruin his career. He says he’s more than ready to prove his detractors wrong:
This makes me want to win the tournament even more. I can come to the game, I can completely strip. You wanna do any fair play checks on me you want, I don’t care. Cuz I know that i’m clean… They want me to strip fully naked? I’ll do it. I don’t care. Because I know that I’m clean and I’m willing to subject myself… You want me to play in a closed box with zero electric transmission? I don’t care. I’m here to win, and that’s gonna be my goal regardless.
He adds that he thinks Magnus withdrew from the rest of the tournament out of shame:
I think he was just so demoralized because he’s losing to an idiot like me. It must be embarrassing for the world champion to lose to me. I feel bad for him.
Here’s the interview. Hans gets into the cheating allegations at 18:14, and invites his haters to strip him naked around 26:27:
Chess.com told The New York Post that Hans has been booted for cheating on their site:
“We have reached out to Niemann to explain our decision to privately remove him from Chess.com and our events. We have shared detailed evidence with him concerning our decision, including the information that contradicts his statements [about] the amount and seriousness of his cheating on Chess.com,” the rep emailed in a statement.
Here are some of the responses on Chess Twitter:
This is the real story behind Magnus-Hans Niemann controversy pic.twitter.com/BbxQVidIgW
— Chrysanthemum (@Fiery_Nebula) September 7, 2022
Currently obsessed with the notion that Hans Niemann has been cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves. pic.twitter.com/F48BXjtBlN
— Babble (@Babble____) September 7, 2022
Pay attention, Netflix! Here’s your chance to give your biggest limited series a second season! Queen’s Gambit 2: The King Wore Anal Beads.
Pic: Instagram