Hot Slut Of The Day!

Hormel’s bacon-scented mask!

Those PR STUNT QUEENS at Burger King and KFC are probably burping up processed meat-infused clouds of jealousy over this bacon-scented mask, because they wish they came up with it. But this bacon-scented mask comes from one of my favorite food companies Hormel, and yes, it’s one of my favorite food companies for the sole reason that it has “whore” in its name. Hormel has decided that since we all have to wear a mask, we may as well take in the scent of America’s farts (BACON!) while doing so.

Hormel has made a mask through its Black Label Bacon that they’re calling “Breathable Bacon” and it uses the latest in pork-scented technology. I have been so damn high that I’ve laughed at five minutes of an episode of Big Bang Theory but I have never been so damn high to come up with some shit called pork-scented technology. But Hormel has and used it in their bacon mask. Here’s the press release which is a real thing that a professional who gets paid to write press releases wrote:

HORMEL™ BLACK LABEL™ Breathable Bacon is the latest in a series of technology-led innovations spanning products and distribution from the makers of the HORMEL® BLACK LABEL® brand. Recent innovations have included The Black Market, a multisensory virtual reality experience, the development of a musical experience using the sounds of bacon and creating the world’s first bacon-fueled motorcycle.

You would think that a bacon-scented mask would cost at least a fresh kidney and the contents of your savings accounts (joke’s on them because the contents of mine are moth balls and failure), but Hormel is going for sainthood because they’re giving away their Breathable Bacon masks for free!

While supplies last, everyone who requests a mask at BreathableBacon.com will get one and Hormel will also donate one meal to Feeding America, up to 10,000 meals.

I’d get one, but that shit wouldn’t work for me as a mask at all. Because three seconds after putting it on, I’d eat the thing and I’d be without a mask. Not only that, but it will be hard to follow mask requirements and keep my mask over my nose and mouth when a pack of wild dogs are trying to eat my bacon-scented face off.

Pic: Hormel