Open Post: Hosted By Fireball Holiday Nog

September 30, 2020 / Posted by:

Fireball Whisky has a new product for people to consume during the coming Holiday season which will no doubt be fraught with emotions over the plethora of 2020’s fuckery. Although there’s a catch, it doesn’t have whisky in it! That cruel fuck 2020 would offer up some Fireball nog without a drop of booze in it.

Yahoo! says that right now Walmart is selling non-alcoholic Fireball Nog and one carton goes for $2.98. But not only does it not have booze in it, but it also doesn’t have eggs in it. The Takeout dared to taste the cinnamon-flavored corn syrup milk and said it’s pretty much just a Domino sugar factory in a glass.

Let’s get this out of the way: it’s “Holiday Nog” because it doesn’t actually have any egg in it. (Classic egg nog recipes will include egg whites or yolks, or both, and many leading grocery store egg nog products like Dean’s, Prairie Farms, and Trader Joe’s Egg Nog similarly contain egg yolk solids.) Its ingredients list does, however, contain an impressive amount of synonyms for sugar: liquid sugar (sugar, water); invert cane sugar; and sugar. All of those ingredients are on prominent display in every sip. Serving this on the rocks, as the carton suggests, is a very good idea, if only to cut through the thickness aided not at all by eggs and very much by corn syrup.

So if you want your Fireball nog with actual Fireball in it, I guess you have to spike it yourself. I see that Fireball whisky is trying to get those holiday sales. And while they’re at it, they should also sell Fireball mouthwash, because you’re going to need some mouthwash after your stomach rejects Fireball nog.

Pic: Walmart/Fireball

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