Disney’s live-action Mulan doesn’t come out until March 27, 2020, but since Mickey Mouse is a greedy, money-grubbing whore who wants you to stretch and exercise your fingers for when you need to pull out your credit card and type in the number to pre-order tickets, the first teaser trailer was released today. And while some morons are screaming, “Oh, so a black woman can take a role from a white ginger half-fish, but Mulan can’t be played by a white woman, like Emma Stone let’s say!” (oh, silly morons, Emma Stone IS Asian), others are running down to urgent care to get their eyesight and hearing checked, because they didn’t see an annoying sidekick dragon or hear Mulan croon about seeing her reflection.
I have to give Disney some credit, because Mulan doesn’t look like a lazy live-action carbon copy of the cartoon movie (like The Lion King does). It looks like Disney and director Niki Caro are trying to do something different, and scrubbed away the talking dragon, the cricket, and the singing hot bi-sexual warrior to turn Mulan into a serious action movie. In the trailer, the parents (played by Tzi Mi and Rosalind Cho aka Rose from The Joy Luck Club) of Mulan (played by Liu Yifei) let her know that they’re marrying her ass off, and after we see her as a bride, it cuts to her training for war in soldier boy drag, and then fighting as a woman while working a flawless beachy mane.
There’s been reports that Mushu the talking dragon has been replaced by a phoenix, and none of the songs from the movie will be sung, but instead will be used as instrumentals throughout. And as I said above, poon-and-peen-loving hot piece Li Shang isn’t in this.
Joining the ones I mentioned above are Donnie Yen as Mulan’s mentor, Jason Scott Lee as Hun leader Böri Khan, Jet Li as the Emperor of China, Yoson An as Mulan’s love interest, and Gong Li as a powerful evil witch.
And while half of the internet is bitching and moaning about that dumb dragon and those songs, I’m bitching and moaning about Disney not showing us a glimpse of goddess Gong Li (hopefully) glamming it up as a hot witch. But seriously, this is America, we should be asking the serious and important questions like: Does this mean McDonald’s will bring back their Szechuan sauce again?!