Today is the day, everyone. Are you about as excited as that dog who looks like they’d rather be tossing a cat’s salad on a fireworks barge as Michael Vick blows a whistle in their ear? That dog may or may not be the one Meghan left in Canada who is filled to the top of his head with the potent sads because he doesn’t get to spend his nights sniffing Prince Hot Ginge’s crotch and isn’t living that opulent royal life. Cruel.
It is two-thirty-in-the-fucking-morning on a Saturday, and usually at this time, I’d be drunkenly crying myself to sleep with Entenmann’s chocolate cake crumbs on my mouth after binge-batching Forensic Files. But on this Saturday morning, I’m soberly crying myself awake with Entenmann’s chocolate cake crumbs on my mouth while watching Meghan Markle marry Prince Hot Ginge, who I thought would always stay single just to give us delusional, miserable, lonely sadlings some hope. He’s so selfish. So selfish.
This is the royal wedding Open Post, where for the next 96 hours, which is about how long all the festivities will last, you can all talk about the dress, drag the guests and count how many eye rolls Prince George produces while I just sit here screaming, “WHY MEEEEEE?” in the corner. The drinking game is: every time a sparkle shines from Prince Hot Ginge’s eye while looking at Meghan, drink a shot of your own tears!
As for Meghan’s dress, “royal experts” think she’ll wear one of these designers:
- Ralph & Russo
- Stella McCartney
- Roland Mouret
Personally, I think she’ll wear a gorgeous red gown that was dyed with the blood of her Ginge-obsessing haters whose hearts broke over her taking him off the market. Damn you, Meghan!
Here’s a live feed of the wedding if you need one:
And here’s more scenes from outside Windsor Castle today and yesterday, including the most unenthusiastic royal wedding goer. That’ll be Prince Philip all through the ceremony: