Despite Tom D’Agostino’s perpetual hunt for lady bits during their engagement, despite Tom getting caught trying to play tonsil hockey at a dive bar in the Hamptons last week, and despite the constant criticism from the howler monkey Greek chorus that is the Real Housewives of New York cast, Luann D’agostino de Lesseps (more on that in a minute) does not think Tom cheated on her while they were married.
“I do not think Tom cheated on me, definitely not. God knows he’s got himself in some trouble in the past, but I don’t believe that continued [while we were married].”
That “Sure, Jan” gif was made for this. Even with her ostrich head being stuck deeper in the sand than usual today, Luann did what any self-respecting middle school gal post-breakup does: petty actions on social media! Us Weekly says she changed her name on Twitter back to the one she had with Count Chocula (or whatever the fuck he was the Count of).
Sources say Tom may have actually been the one who got a little miffy about side pieces. They claim Tom filed for divorce because Luann was still chummy with her ex that looked like a bloated Adrien Brody. Lu dated Jacques Azoulay for four years, and they split in 2013, but remained fraaaaands. She invited the French wine merchant to her house last week, and apparently that could have been what made Tom ring up one of those sleazy “One call! That’s all!” lawyers you see on the back of phone books. What’s that? Nobody uses a phone book anymore? Ugh, fine. Moving on!
Luann went on to tell Page Six the rumor was just that: a rumor. Even though she said the same thing a few weeks ago, when people said she and Tom’s marriage was a bigger crash than the stock market plunge of 1929. I think I have a solution to Lu’s woes. Wikpedia tells me her original last name is Nadeau, which I honestly like. She could rename her QVC FAH-SHUN line “Haus of Nadeau” and probably do a better job peddling that faux French aristocracy shit than she has in any of her other past lives with the ding-a-lings she rides in hope of gaining a title. Nothing screams ~fancy~ like $39.99 brassieres you can get with four easy payments through PayPal!