Hot Slut Of The Day!

The CGI shark that beat Michael Phelps’ ass in a race!

A little over a month ago, Discovery Channel announced that the human seahorse Michael Phelps was going to race a “Great White shark” to whore out their Shark Week. That happened last night. I was on the road, and nearly stopped into a motel that rented by the hour just so that I could watch Neptune’s son race a shark. I’m glad I didn’t. I would’ve wasted my time and cash and had a serious case of blue balls. Because here my gullible ass thought that Michael Phelps was going to race an actual shark, and there would be a moment where the shark would go, “Why am I racing this bitch when I can eat this bitch?”, and chomp on him in the next lane.

But as it turns out, Discovery pulled a shameless and fake STUNT QUEEN stunt and played us all. Michael Phelps didn’t race an actual shark. Michael Phelps traveled to the coast of South Africa where he put on a wetsuit and a specially designed mono-fin to swim 100 meters. The “shark” that swam next to him was CGI and based on a shark whose speed was recorded by scientists. This is where we all BOO together and ask for our money back even though we didn’t really pay shit.

The shark that scientists recorded swam that shit in 36.1 seconds. Michael Phelps did it 2 seconds slower. Bitch should lose all his gold medals for getting beat by a fake shark! And you know, I love that fake shark for that. But then again, Michael Phelps is the one who got paid way too much money (read: anything over zero dollars) to race a fake shark, so he won last night too.

The moment of glory for #TeamShark!!! #PhelpsVsShark #SharkWeek pic.twitter.com/NWYp1CwiRa

— Shark Week (@SharkWeek) July 24, 2017

But while Michael Phelps may have lost to a computer-generated shark, the real losers were those who spent an hour of their life watching Discovery jump the shark. I mean, jump the CGI shark.

Pic: @SharkWeek