Every year, my family asks me what I want for Jesus’ Born Day and every time, I say, “Oh, nothing, your unconditional love is enough, but if you insist,” before reaching into my pocket and pulling out a list that’s longer than the delusions of grandeur that twirl in my head. My list always has the usual on it: a Prince Hot Ginge boyfriend pillow, one of Angelyne’s hot pink chariots, a Castle Grayskull playset that’s been converted into a bong and a dog-walking drone. You know, a bunch of reasonable shit. But this year, there will only be one thing on it: The Golden Girls action figures!
Ever since The Golden Girls made life worth living by existing, it’s been the Golden Era of them. But lately it feels like it’s really been the Golden Era of the Golden Girls. We’ve been gifted with a Golden Girls restaurant, a Golden Girls porn parody and a Golden Girls puppet show. And now we’re getting Golden Girls action figures! Funko, who sells the giant-headed Golden Girls Pop! dolls, are also making the action figures and are selling them exclusively at New York Comic Con this weekend. The marketing director of Funko told ABC News that they had no idea that so many GG-a-holics existed:
“The response to our ‘Golden Girls’ products has been wild. We almost weren’t prepared for the excitement. We created these as a passion project initially, and were blown away when it started trending on social media.”
This news made my b-hole pucker itself inside/out, but then The Daily Dot just had to try to kill my dreams by saying that the lottery to visit Funko’s Comic-Con booth has already closed. So if you didn’t get a ticket, you won’t be able to buy this treasure sent from heaven. Whatever, The Golden Girls action figures will end up on eBay next week, which means my dog has just a few days to beg for dollars outside of Walgreens so he can buy me this. He better bat those sad eyes extra hard, because I’m also going to need a few G.I. Joe and He-Man action figures too. I mean, Blanche is going to need a rotating group of hot pieces to hump on. It’s only right!