Anne Hathaway’s Baby Is Here

April 7, 2016 / Posted by:

On March 24th, the lights of a delivery room in a hospital in L.A. somewhere were dimmed as two nurses appeared and pulled open a red velvet curtain, revealing Oscar winner Anne Hathaway (again, I’m legally obligated to type “Oscar winner Anne Hathaway”) lying on a bed in a cotton gown. While a spotlight illuminated her gorgeous Oscar-winning face, Anne sang “I Dreamed A Dream” from Les Miserables and as she sang, she pushed and continued to push until her son popped out of her Oscar-winning vagine. Anne’s baby son didn’t cry, because like everyone else in the room, he wanted to clearly hear every gorgeous note coming out of his Oscar-winning mother’s Oscar-winning mouth. When the doctor tried to cut the umbilical cord, Anne waved him away. Anne then yodeled out a note that was so powerful that it broke her son’s umbilical cord in two and she held him as she finished the song. The nurses gave her a standing and the doctors threw roses at her. That is how Oscar winner Anne Hathaway gives birth! If only they gave out Oscars for Best Births…

E! News says that Anne and her husband Adam Schulman (who, to me, always looks like Ryan Gosling as drawn by the dude who drew the Popeye cartoon) are now parents to a baby boy. Like Allison, I guessed that Anne would name her kid Oscar, because she’d love seeing the headlines: “Anne Hathaway Has Another Oscar!” My second guess was Judy. But Anne and Adam didn’t name their son Oscar or Judy:

Anne Hathaway has given birth to her first child with husband Adam Shulman. The two welcomed a baby boy named Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman early on March 24 in Los Angeles, E! News has learned exclusively.

That name is pretty normal, but that name is still all Anne to me. Jonathan Rosebanks sounds like the name of a seasoned Vaudeville star who moved to Hollywood in the 1920s and became a silent movie star and eventually became an even bigger star in the talkies! I bet Jonathan Rosebanks broke Norma Desmond’s heart and got kicked out of the Roosevelt Hotel after getting into a fight with Buster Keaton. That name is theater! It’s perfect.

Here’s Adam and Anne going for a hike just 12 days before she gave birth like nobody has ever given birth before!


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