Like Most Things, Goopy Paltrow Is To Blame For The Bee Extinction

April 4, 2016 / Posted by:

If someone was ever to ask me when was the first time I experienced a 100 proof What The Fuck moment, I’d tell them that it was probably when I was 4 or 5 and watched my barefoot abuelita in a housedress catch a flying bee with her fingers and sting her leg with it. If I knew what drugs were back then, I probably would’ve guessed that my abuelita spiked the tamarindo drink she made me earlier with some kind of hallucinogenic, because it was fucked up. My mom later told me that my abuelita stung herself with bees, because it helped her arthritis. There must be some kind of hidden lair in the mountains where abuelitas earn their black belts in chancelta-wielding and also learn how to sneak up on a bee all quiet-like.

Whenever I see a bee, I expect to see a stealth abuelita take off her house slippers so she can silently tiptoe up to it and snatch it before disappearing into yonder. But now whenever I see a bee, I’m going to think of the poor thing staring deep into Goopy Paltrow’s face right before it dies. While pimping out GOOP’s new skincare line in an interview with The New York Times (via People), Goopy admits that she’s been pricked by a bee before. Now, I do believe that life is better when you’ve got a bunch of pricks on your face, but Goopy isn’t talking about those kind of pricks. Goopy is talking about bee pricks and says that she’s stung herself in the name of beauty!

But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.

Those poor ass bees. Nicolas Cage hates them, ninja abuelitas are always trying to murder them and now this! They probably felt a slight satisfaction from causing Goopy pain by stinging her in the ass, and now she’s taken that away by telling them that she actually likes it and embraces it. Damn that Goopy! She really has to go and ruin everything.

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