September 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I have sad and terrible news for those of you who don’t feel alive until you’ve ordered a $1,200 reproduction of an Antebellum-era cotton-collecting basket that can be used to store your $2,500 cashmere confederate flag lounging pashminas., the GOOP for the young and rich Paula Deens of the world, will be nothing more than a 404 error on October 9th, just 15 months after Blake Lively gave birth to it.

The unsalted cauliflower mash version of Scarlett O’Hara (Cauliflower O’Hara?) tells Vogue, the same magazine she used to whore out Preserve, that she’s closing her lifestyle site, because they shot their artisanal load too soon and she doesn’t believe it’s making a difference in people’s lives. Blake NotSoLively is being modest, because I’m sure whoever bought one of her $25 faux vintage spoons has a life-changing experience every time they use that spoon to put a glob of $60-a-bottle organic fudge on shortnin bread, made using a recipe from Preserve.

We have an incredible team of people who do beautiful work, but we launched the site before it was ready, and it never caught up to its original mission: It’s not making a difference in people’s lives, whether superficially or in a meaningful way. And that’s the whole reason I started this company, not just to fluff myself, like, ‘I’m a celebrity! People will care what I have to say!’ It was so never meant to be that, and that kind of became the crutch because it was already up and already running, and it’s hard to build a brand when you’re running full steam ahead—how do you catch up?

But don’t worry, Preserve will rise again in one form or another. If I was Blake, I’d use all of my energy on fucking Ryan Reynolds on the pile of money I made from doing L’Oreal commercials. But since she’s insane and really wants to change the world with organic locally-sourced condiments, Martha Stewart’s craziest stalker is going to use her energy on putting together another lifestyle site.

I’m going to take this hit, and the only way I can prove all the negative reactions wrong is to come back with a plan that will rock people. And I have that plan. And I’m so excited about it, and that’s what gave me the courage to do this, to say, ‘You know what, I’m going to give myself one more shot at this, and I really have to do it as well as I can do it this time.’ And that is the only thing that will impact people. And that’s what I’m doing. And I’m totally terrified out of my mind! I’ve asked my husband to just play ‘Shake It Off’ on a loop—it feels really good to listen to it on a loop!

If Ryan Reynolds doesn’t file for divorce today and cite, “She made me listen to ‘Shake It Off” on a loop,” as the reason why he’s quitting his marriage, then he’s as crazy and dead inside as she is. And I’m sure Goopy Paltrow would cackle at the demise of a GOOP wannabe, but she’s too busy screaming at her minions to buy everything in Preserve’s fire sale so they can re-brand it and sell it for 10 times more.

But seriously, RIP, your poetic prose and overpriced condiments made from locally-sourced vegetables were too good for this ugly Internet world.


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