Mickey Rourke Is Trying To Build Himself A New Face

May 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that Mickey Rourke is one of the sexiest human beings in the universe (according to myself, Michael K, and all the other weirdos who get the damps for Mickey Rourke. PS – the club meets on the first Sunday of every month, bring cookies), Page Six says Mickey Rourke hates his current face and he’s trying to rebuild it. Someone get me the number of the White House; I’d like to report the desecration of a national treasure.

A “saddened friend” – that could be any of us, really – tells Page Six that 62-year-old Mickey is getting bone from his hip grafted into the roof of his mouth so that he can get new dental implants. He’s also using bone from one of his ribs to rebuild his nose. Another source claims he’s hooked on surgery, as if none of us with working eyes didn’t know that already:

He wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what he sees.”

Those jealous beauty-hating mirrors; they’re clearly reflecting a busted image back at him because they can’t handle how much panty-dropping hotness comes at them every morning. Rude. All joking aside, Mickey really needs to be careful about where he’s yanking bones from. Dude is 62-years-old – the last part of his body he should be fucking around with is his hips!

If Mickey feels so bad about the current state of his face, there’s a very easy solution, and it doesn’t involve surgery. I volunteer to follow Mickey around and constantly remind him how good he looks. I promise I won’t try anything funny (honest, I’m saving myself for the ghost of Road House-era Patrick Swayze), and I won’t even ask for money. Whatever it takes for Mickey Rourke to confidently strut down the sidewalk in a pair of too-tight spandex pants once again, I’m in.

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