Prepare To Faint From Shock……

Make sure your lady-in-waiting has the smelling salts out and position your velvet fainting couch right behind you before you read this shocking news. Are you ready? A rich, powerful man will not faces charges for allegedly groping a model. Aaaaand faint!

The Manhattan District Attorney’s office announced today that they will not file any charges against hairy slug Harvey Weinstein (seen above with his wife Georgina Chapman who obviously married him for his hotness and heart and not because he shits money and bankrolled her fashion label) for allegedly touching a model without permission at his office during a work meeting. The 22-year-old model Ambra Battilana told cops that she first met Harvey at a show at Radio City Music Hall and they exchanged e-mails to set up a time for her to come into his office so he could look at her portfolio and acting tapes. During the meeting at his office at the Tribeca Film Center, she claims he grabbed her breasts, put his hand up her skirt and tried to kiss her even though she kept saying no. She busted out of there and filed a complaint at the police department.

Shrek’s creepy cousin denied ever doing anything wrong. A source (Hi, Harvey’s people!) told The New York Post that Ambra stopped cooperating with the police and wouldn’t return their calls. The source claims that she and her manager were “blackmailing” Harvey into giving her a role in one of his movies in exchange for her not pressing charges. Ambra’s lawyer reportedly dropped her because of the stunts she was trying to pull. The Daily Beast also wrote a long piece about Ambra’s history of accusing powerful types of assault.

Ambra was eventually interviewed by the cops and agreed to call Harvey while they listened in. Harvey admitted on the call that he touched her and got a “little frisky,” but said that he was touching her tits to see if they were real. The overgrown Hobbit said that as a “producer” he needs to know these things. And now I need to pour bleach on my face, because it sounds like almost every meeting with Harvey Weinstein is like that audition scene in Fame.

The D.A. released this statement today:

“This case was taken seriously from the outset, with a thorough investigation conducted by our sex crimes unit. After analyzing the available evidence, including multiple interviews with both parties, a criminal charge is not supported.”

So, let’s see, a creepy, disgusting millionaire power player admits to groping a woman without permission, but says he’s entitled to do it because it’s in his job description and he gets away with it. Yup, it’s business as usual.

And this whole story is probably really weird to you if you read Harvey Weinstein’s name as Harvey Fierstein.