Julianne Moore, or as she’s known on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar this month: JULIANNE MOORE OSCAR WINNER, is finally giving us her thoughts on that stupid-ass close-up fingernail camera known as the E! mani-cam. Julianne Moore refused to walk her fingers down that busted Polly Pocket-looking miniature red carpet at the SAG Awards and now she’s telling Harper’s Bazaar why:
“I’m 54 years old. I can’t make my fingers walk; it’s humiliating! And a guy asked me to lift up my skirt to show them my shoes, and I said, ‘I don’t need to do that. Let’s keep some dignity.'”
She’s not wrong. If you take Julianne Moore’s mani-cam experience out of context, it’s basically a middle-aged woman being asked to pretend her fingers are a pair of legs and to strut them around in front of a camera. Add in some “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus, and you have the creepiest remake of Buffalo Bill’s dancing scene from Silence of the Lambs ever made.
Julianne also talked about famous types eating low-fat air and skinny water lattes to fit into their fancy awards season dresses:
“We’d all be lying if we said we aren’t watching what we eat. Of course we are! I think we’re also really stressed. I’m not a stress eater. I get nervous and I don’t eat. But, you know, I had a dress on the other day, and I said to my manager, ‘When you see my back fat sticking out, tuck it back in!’ Be a friend.”
In the wise words of Phoebe Price’s gorgeous drag queen doppelgänger Alyssa Edwards: BACK ROLLS?! Only a shady bitch would point out another trick’s Pillsbury back rolls. Oooh, maybe it was a test for her manager; she says “Tell me if my back fat is sticking out” and if her manager says anything but “Back fat? What back fat?” then she’s on watch.
Here’s Julianne Moore in Harper’s Bazaar looking like the bored ex-wife of a candy bar tycoon named Francis St. Francis from a 1970’s soap opera called The Wealthersons, if you need that imagery in your life: