From The Gospel According To Kunty Karl: Ugly People Are Very Depressing

It’s been much too long since we’ve all choked on a river of laughs coming out of our mouths while reading the hilarious deep thoughts of one of delusion’s ambassadors Kunty Karl. Kunty Karl is back and is once again showing us that he probably wins open mic night at the Death Eaters Comedy Club every week, because his shit is funny.

Britain’s Stylist Magazine (via Cosmopolitan) asked the German King of the Vampires what he would do if he ran England. I don’t know why Stylist even asked him that. We all know that if Kunty Karl ran England, he’d make eating actual food illegal and he’d deport all fatties to a land far, far away. Karl didn’t say he’d do that, but he did say that he’d take away welfare for families and give that money to people who dressed well. Whoever said that zombies have no sense of humor has never read a Kunty Karl quote.

“I would make myself head of the style police and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness,” said the high fashion legend. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”

Kunty Karl then got a little serious when he said that he’d make everyone learn a bunch of languages because it’ll combat Alzheimer’s or something:

“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”

Compared to the bitchy nuggets that have come out of Karl’s mouth before, those quotes aren’t bad. I guess he was saving his best cunty material for The New York Times.

The New York Times did a profile on 35-year-old Brad Kroenig, a male model who is part of Karl’s Boys. Karl’s Boys is a group of male models who follow him around the world. They claim that their relationship with Karl is strictly platonic and they don’t have to suck on his crypt keeper boner. The New York Times reporter tagged along as Brad went to Dubai with Karl. During the trip, the reporter asked Karl why his entourage is filled with male models.

Lagerfeld refers to Brad and the other models that travel with him as his family, albeit a self-selected, genetically ideal one. “I hate ugly people,” Lagerfeld told me. “Very depressing.”

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Bitch must hate himself then,” don’t say it out loud! He can hear you and he’ll punish you for saying that. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night staring at his white pot scrubber hair as he sucks the blood out of your chest. Besides, Kunty Karl doesn’t know what he looks like. Vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Duh.