When Jesus’s kinder half-sister Angelina Jolie wakes up in the morning, the first thing she does before injecting her face with the venom of 100 virgin snakes is summon all her little angels to form a tight circle around her on the bed so she may bask in the power and the glory emitted from her holy family of divine ankle biters. But it wasn’t that long ago Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones was waking up in a duvet nest of loneliness, spooning an empty box of Sadness Estates™ wine.
St. Angie took a break from guest lecturing a Flawless Perfection 101 class at the University of Heaven (GO PANTHERS!) to let ELLE magazine interview her for the June issue, where she reveals that she never could have predicted she’d one day be the mother to 6 and the long-term girlfriend of a handsome hobo:
“I never thought I’d have children, I never thought I’d be in love, I never thought I’d meet the right person. Having come from a broken home—you kind of accept that certain things feel like a fairy tale, and you just don’t look for them.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear a word she said. I was too busy staring at Angie’s cavernous cheeks on that cover. A note to the trick responsible for airbrushing the shit out of Angie’s face: ease up on the Photoshop! Bitch is supposed to look like Maleficent, not Jafar.
If Lil’ Angie had only read her Bible back when she was a kid, she could have saved herself a lot of time and worry by learning from the scriptures that she was destined to be the creator of 3 children in her image and mother of 3 chosen beings. I believe it’s somewhere in 1 Corinthians or the Gospel of John that says: “And lo, in the years following the resurrection of Jesus, a new messiah will walk the earth. Not in Jerusalem, but Hollywood, California. Thy name will be Angelina, the angel. And she will be followed by 6 small precocious disciples and one stoner-looking hobo named Brad Pitt. For thy is the word of God. Amen”
And in case you need something sharp to cut a piece of fruit with, here’s more of Angie’s razor-sharp cheekbones in ELLE: