The Internet’s Girlfriend Talks About The Time She Couldn’t Stop Shitting Herself

November 21, 2013 / Posted by:

In her never-ending campaign to prove to us that she’s real people and isn’t just another movie star who doesn’t shit since all of the waste and fat in her body is sucked out daily with an at-home lipo machine, Jennifer Lawrence told David Letterman last night that she had to go to the hospital after her butt wouldn’t stop barfing. Jennifer’s insides were filled with more hot air than Kanye’s head, so she took her ass to the hospital, thinking they were going to say she had an ulcer. She told Dave that it turns out she just had a serious case of the farts.

“I thought I had an ulcer and it turns out it was a fulcer. I went to the emergency room. I just had this really bad pain for three weeks and you can only shit your pants so many times a day before you have to go to the emergency room. Before you’re like, ‘I need to go to the hospital.’ “

Al Roker just filed for divorce from his wife and made (brown) eyes at Jennifer Lawrence. His shat soulmate has been found.

I love how David Letterman looks like he doesn’t want to hear it and would get up and quit this mess if it wasn’t his job to listen to Jennifer Lawrence talk about how she turned her chonies into District 14 (the poop district). Not everybody is refined enough to love a caca story. Which reminds me, one time I was on this first date and I don’t know why in the hell I brought it up, but I told him about the time I went caca in my shorty shorts during class in the first grade. (And I wonder why I never get a second date.) As soon as I said it, I thought he was going to throw his napkin down and leave. But instead, he goes, “Shit happens. I shit myself all the time.” He said it seriously with a serious face. I don’t think he was joking. I pretty much knew right then and there that our love would never be, because two LLBs (loosey loose bottoms) could never make it work.

Here’s Skatniss Everdeen with the rest of the cast of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire at a screening in NYC last night.

Pics: Splash,

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