Goopy Paltrow Doesn’t Give A Shit About Anti-Goopers

Goopy Paltrow cares about a lot of things. She cares that her morning maid fills her ivory bedroom bathtub with double-distilled Graydon Carter tears that are exactly 26 celsius (Goopy doesn’t know what fahrenheit is, she’s of British blood, DUH!), because if it’s 27 celsius, her delicate noblewoman skin will burn. She cares that the rhodium stick shoved up her ass is regularly polished and cleansed with the saliva of a virgin albino peacock. She cares that Chris Martin changes the skin on his lips after he sucks on his side piece’s snatch, because she’s not going to let the the pussy juices of a peasant touch her cheek when he gives her a cold kiss hello. But one thing Goopy doesn’t care about is what all of us think of her pretentious, ridiculous ass.

Goopy tells the UK’s Red Magazine (via UsWeekly)  that she currently has nothing to shit out since she just finished up a 65-day air and dried kumquat seeds fast, but if she did, she still wouldn’t have any shits to give about anti-Goopers hating on her.

“The older I get I realize it doesn’t matter what people who don’t know you think. It doesn’t matter. You’re wasting your energy. It’s like, if your partner comes to you — or your best friend — and says, like, ‘Listen, I want to talk about something you did that hurt me, or I think you could improve,’ sit down and listen to what they have to say. But some friend of so-and-sos — it’s like, who gives a shit?”

Chris Martin just rolled his eyes, because the one time he tried to talk to Goopy and tell her that he’d really like to eat a cheesburger for dinner instead of an empty plate of imaginary food that he’s supposed to make and eat with his imagination, she shooed him away and made her maid escort him out of her bedchambers.

Goopy also said this about being a working mother:

“I personally think that the work/life balance for a woman should be exactly what she feels is right for her. And nobody else can set her time schedule. And nobody else can tell her how many hours a week she needs to devote to this, that, or the other. It’s like, go into a room, get quiet with yourself, and ask what is the true answer for you? And fuck what anybody else says. That idea of ‘Oh God, if I don’t show up to this concert, all the other mums are going to think I’m terrible.’ Well, so fucking what. It’s like, when I’m with my kids, I give them everything I have. And when I’m not, I give whatever I’m doing everything I have. And that’s my work/life balance.”

Apple and Moses (9 years later and I still can’t with either of those names) know that Goopy gives them everything she has, but they really wish she had carbs on her, because they’re HONGRAY. And I was actually nodding to some of the shit coming out of her mouth until she shat out the line, “If I don’t show up to this concert, all the other mums are going to think I’m terrible.” The plight of the rock star’s millionaire wife is a serious one.