The Incredibly Shrinking Snooki

July 18, 2013 / Posted by:

Fishwrapper says that Snooki has dropped almost 50 pounds of chunk ever since she started losing weight and that means she now weighs less than a seed out of Vinnie’s watermelon dick. I think most of the weight went to her TEEFS! When ABC News asked Snooki what she thinks about people saying that she’s getting too skinny, she told them to shut their fat mouths, because she’s losing weight the healthy way and by “the healthy way” I don’t mean pickle juice enemas and calorie-free Jager Bombs.

“Relax. You’re all delusional! I am in the best shape of my life. I have a lot of muscle mass and I feel the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. I enjoy working out, and being healthy and fit is important. I’m the size of a 5th grader, I’m supposed to be small. Accept it!”

Size of a 5th grader? Too bad her brain hasn’t caught up yet.

Maybe it’s because when I look down at my own body I see an exploding can of Crescent Rolls, but Snooki doesn’t look that scary skinny to my eyes. But thanks to her red hair, white face and orange body, she does look like a half-eaten bag of Terra Chips left out on the sidewalk. AND THOSE TEETHS! Bitch got Barbie teeth. When you can’t floss your teeth because they’re one long piece, there’s a problem. Snooki’s what Mortimer Snerd would look like if he got dentures.

And here’s Snooki and JWoww at a Self Magazine event in NYC looking like they were just rejected from a Vanity 6 open call.


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