Some Eye Roll-Inducing Beauty Secrets From Goopy Paltrow

You’d think that Goopy Paltrow’s daily beauty regimen involves shedding her fish scales in a bedroom bathtub full of the tit milk from a killer whale while her maid gives her a squid ink enema, but it doesn’t! It involves sitting under the sun and smearing French pharmacy products on her face. Goopy tells Cosmopolitan UK (via Page Six) some of the things she does to stay looking as young and fresh as an overcooked fettuccine noodle.

Goopy on how she doesn’t use Botox, because she naturally has that dead ice queen look in her face: “I think on some faces it works, but it’s when you can really see it that it starts to look fake”

Goopy on how she buys a bunch of beauty products at pharmacies in France, because Clearasil is so much better when it has “Le” in front of it: “I stock up on products from French pharmacies. They have amazing burn creams and makeup removers. I love how French actresses age but don’t really do anything about it – it’s beautiful.”

Goopy on how her guilty pleasures are what I eat when I’m trying to be healthy: “I love Starbucks – I’ll have a cappuccino. My guilty snack in the UK is cheese, and in America, things on buns: a lobster roll and French fries, or a turkey burger with cheese.”

Goopy on how anything natural is good for you: “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.”

Goopy is right. Anything that is natural is good for you (see: weed and ass sex), so somebody please give her a rattlesnake, a scorpion and tell her that hemlock makes the best moisturizer ever. It’s natural so it can’t be bad! Or just throw her white skin under the California desert sun and let nature take its course.

And when Goopy spits out coagulated shit nuggets of ridiculousness like these, my eyes start rolling and so I have her to thank for having more muscles on my eyeballs than on my body. Thanks, Goopy!