Aretha Franklin Is Not Here For The Chicken

June 15, 2012 / Posted by:

The likes of Aretha Franklin, Basement Baby, Meryl Streep, Anna Wintour, Olivia Wilde, Michael Kors and Andy Cohen all paid $40,000 a plate to pass through a mob of protesters (okay, there were like 4) to eat dinner at the Obama fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s multi-million dollar West Village stall last night. Most stayed through dinner, listened to Obama’s speech, did tequila shots off of Michael Kors’ muffin top belly button with Michelle Obama, played a game of Pin the Tail on the SJP and “accidentally” wandered into SJP’s shoe closet to “accidentally” steal some of her shit. But not Queen Aretha!

The light in SJP’s dining room dimmed about 20 minutes into the event when Aretha picked up her glowing chichi domes and got out of that bitch. TMZ was outside of SJP’s townhouse and they caught Aretha leaving 20 minutes after showing up. Aretha told them that food was “impressive” and they served “chicken with a mustard sauce, diced tomatoes and a lot of relishes on the side of the plate.” Oh, Aretha left real early, because she had more important places to be. Specifically, important places that didn’t only serve chicken. Really, chicken?! I know it was a fundraiser, but $40,000 for some shit you can find in the C-Town freezer section if you train your eyes to look for the words “Healthy Choice Chicken Cacciatore.” For $40,000, I want eat some dolphin caviar sushi off of Obama’s naked body in a champagne room that serves more than just Andre.

I bet Aretha snuck a few dinner rolls in her pocketbook to make up for the cheap ass meal.

This reminds me of when I went on a cruise with my mom and on the first night I sat in the dining room with her while wearing a sweatshirt with a swan playing a baby blue ukulele on it. Okay, I wasn’t wearing that sweatshirt, but I just wanted to see if I could make that sentence even gayer. There was this old lady wearing a dusty blond wig at the table next to ours. One of her dinner mates asked her if she was going to have the chicken or the beef. Ole’ girl was not playing when she said, “I can get chicken at home, honey. I’m here for the beef.

And that’s how my favorite line to use at gay bars was born.

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