It Really Is Hard Out There For A Pimp

Nine months after the second wife of baby wipes aficionado, Terrence Howard, filed for divorce on the grounds that her asshole was missing some Charmin, she was granted a restraining order against him. Michelle Howard claims that Terrence Ike Turnered her several times, threatened to murder her and had her bawling in a parking lot. Since the box between the in box and the out box at the L.A. Courthouse is marked “TMZ,” they got a hold of the documents and listed all the messy shit that Michelle is accusing Terrence of doing to her:

smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
telling her, “I’ll hit a woman quicker than I’d hit a man”
Saying, “If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
Screaming, “Bitch, walk home. That’s my car, I pay for it.”

But Terrence shot back with his own papers claiming that Michelle is making it all up to get more money out of him. Terry would never hurt a fly. In fact he’d befriend that fly and clean its little fly asshole with a little fly baby wipe so that it could smell fresh around its little fly friends. Terry says that Michelle is hungry for his cash and has even threatened to sell a video of him singing naked in the shower if he doesn’t open up his wallet to her.

You know, I am writing this while sitting on Michelle’s side of the court room. I just can’t with Terry for so many reasons. One being that when I went to visit my mom a few months ago, I walked into her bathroom to get a cuticle cutter and there it was sitting on top of the toilet. It was a terrifying box of BABY WIPES taunting me. My mom’s bathroom doesn’t have any free wall space, so I had to back up into the hallway and slowly wall slide while letting out a barely audible, “Noooooooooooo.” Worlds collided and I’ve been cursing Terry Howard’s name ever since.