Kristen Stewart Has A Thing For Apples

Kristen Stewart is almost done with licking on the sour apple that is Twilight, and now The Hollywood Reporter is saying that she’s about to pick up another apple. Kristen Stewart is in talks (and by “talks” I mean she uncomfortably sits there like she’s holding in a queef and fart while the producers say words to her) to play Snow White in a darker adaptation of the fairy tale directed by Rupert Sanders. I guess in this shit, we find out that Snow White is the secret love child of Dopey and Grumpy before one of them had a lady dwarf to dude dwarf sex change.

Universal and the producers of Snow White and the Huntsman were hoping to cast a newcomer like Riley Keough or Emily Browning, but they changed their minds when Kristen showed interest. Viggo Mortensen is thinking about playing the huntsman and Charlize Theron has already signed on to play the evil queen.

Instead of asking, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall who in the land is fairest of all?”, the evil queen is going to say, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who in the land is the stoned of all?” This mess could work. I’ve always seen the real Snow White as a stoner who smokes out with the woodland creatures behind the dwarves’ cottage and constantly bites her lip like it’s filled with weed.

And speaking of, if Charlize and Kristen star in this mess together, it will be High Times’ MOVIE OF THE CENTURY! When the evil queen gives the apple to Snow White, they’re both going to stare at it for a few seconds and say “fuckit” before turning it into a bong.