Oprah’s Got A Secret To Tell

Oprah will let out a major family secret on her show this Monday. In previews for that mess, Oprah says that the secret is so big that it rocked her to the core. You know, sort of how the Earth’s core trembles and nearly cracks into a million pieces when the fault line-shaking hysterical screams from her Favorite Thing’s audience penetrates through every layer.

In a previews for Monday’s show, Oprah’s melodramatic ass says this: “I was given some news that literally shook me to my core… I was keeping a family secret for months, and on Monday you’re going to hear it straight from me. I thought I’d seen it all, but this, my friends, is the miracle of all miracles.”

Oprah’s “big secrets” are sometimes like a 9-inch peen you’ve never met before. It’s all hard with excitement and every single vein is throbbing at the anticipation of getting inside you. And then when it finally does, there’s a chance a single “EH” will poot out of your brains. No big deal. So knowing Oprah, the secret probably has something to do with one of her dogs, or maybe Gayle King is twin sister. That’s some Sister My Sister (without all the murder and stuff) shit!

Then again, I wouldn’t be entirely shocked if Oprah announced, “Aaaaaaaand here’s my long-lost brother JEEEEEEEEEESUS!” The set will be decorated to look like a lavender field and Jesus and Oprah will re-enact the reunion scene from The Color Purple.

via Digital Spy