Pee-wee Herman Is A Righty

Pee-wee Herman tells Playboy Magazine (via Fox411) that if the whole “mekka lekka-ing his peen in a porn theater” thing went to trial his lawyers had a star witness in their corner that would’ve blown a load all over the prosecution’s case. Pee-wee explains it like this:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

Look at Pee-wee and his fancy master masturbators from their masturbation institutes. I say whatever works. Sometimes you need to use your less important hand, because you’re doing other shit with your main hand like: using the neti pot, eating a Zinger, talking on the phone, plucking your eyebrows, mixing cupcake batter, paying the pizza delivery dude, typing out a post about Pee-wee on your blog, etc..etc…