Jakey Poo Will Make A Beautiful Christmas Bride

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He’s going to cry into Reese’s chin when they don’t have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he’s going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, “Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes.”

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a “I’m sorry gift” every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don’t see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo’s harness.

Seriously though, I don’t see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can’t produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.