Rooney Mara

Rooney Mara, seen on the right looking like Alfalfa after eating a whole bunch of pomegranate seeds, has taken the lead role in Steven Soderbergh's new movie after the bag of mumbles with blonde hair we call Blake Lively was dropped. In Side Effects, Rooney will play a pill-popping mess who goes crazy while waiting for her husband to get out of the clink. Carol O'Neal (government name: Channing Tatum) will play her husband and this shit also stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jude Law. It starts shooting sometime in April.

IndieWire reported last week that one of the movie's main investors pulled all their cash out after Steven Soderbergh cast Blake NotSoLively in the lead role, because they weren't exactly impressed with the highly-trained thespian skills she lays down in the PBS' masterpiece drama series Gossip Girl. Since Blake was with the movie's money, Steven Soderbergh dropped her and picked up an Oscar nominee instead.

If anybody can play a sedated, fucked up mess, it's not Blake, but she wouldn't be that bad at it since she naturally carries herself like a permanently confused inbred kitten who treats the concussion it suffers from with NyQuil and generic Valium. But Blake getting dumped isn't the funniest thing about this. I mean, investors pulled their money out over Blake, but yet they were okay with Channing Tatum? Or should I call him, Sir Channing Tatum, since he's obviously going to get knighted for his contribution to the art of making water damaged cardboard seem interesting. It has to burn a ho's ass lips off knowing that she got fired for being a shit actor, but Channing Tatum doesn't.

Anyway, here's Blake's replacement Rooney Mara wearing a garden of angel labias with David Fincher at the Tokyo premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

You know, I threw lumps of cold shit at that Rooney Mara (from that Girl with the Double Dragon Tattoo shit) trick when she hocked a crusty loogie of ungratefulness at Christopher Meloni's nipples by saying that she doesn't get why hos are obsessed with Law & Order: SVU, but I'm actually starting to like her. I mean, a self-righteous twat of a bitch who has no filter on her thoughts and doesn't seem to care that she's coming off as a crystal clear cunt? MY KIND! Rooney might have been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she has knocked that silver spoon out with the verbal streams of bitchery that jump off of her tongue and hit her old employers right in their faces. Case in point: During an interview with Entertainment Weekly (via DS), Rooney squatted on the Nightmare on Elm Street remake she starred in and pushed this out:

"You kind of learn to self-sabotage with things you don't want to get. Sometimes you don't want to get something but you do a really good job and you get in anyway. That's kind of [what happened] with A Nightmare on Elm Street - I didn't even really want it. And then I went in [to audition] and I was like, [whispering] 'Fuck. I definitely got that'."

Megan Fox, please pack up all your shit and head for the door marked EXIT, because your services as the premiere shit talker of Hollywood are no longer needed. I do know what Rooney is saying, though. Like when I was 16, I applied for a job as a fucking bus boy at Disneyland, because: a) most of the bussers were really hot; and b) I needed money to buy a fake ID so I could dance in a tank top at 18+ gay clubs with my older friends. And when the bitch at human resources asked me if I knew how to use a broom and a dustpan, I knew that I nailed that interview (only it wasn't really an interview... It was just some bitch asking me if I knew how to sweep.... seriously). So, see. Rooney and I are totally the same. We take jobs we don't really want and then we talk shit about them later in life. Although, the closest Rooney has ever come to operating a broom is adjusting the stick that is permanently shoved up her overprivileged ass.

And I heard somewhere that when Rooney signed up for the first Nightmare on Elm Street, she had to sign up for the sequel too. So even though the remake was as entertaining as slowly ripping a scab off your taint, I really hope they make a sequel so we can watch Freddy filet his own throat to escape Rooney rolling her eyes in different languages. Yes, Rooney's eye rolls need subtitles. Bitch is THAT above you.

Seen here having a slow roll orgasm from being touched by my favorite Kardashihater Daniel Craig at last night's NYC premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Rooney Mara is quickly becoming the Vulcan Natalie Portman, because she's getting cast in movie after movie after movie. But before David Fincher plucked Rooney and threw her into his movies, she shot a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU and she tells Allure (via Page Six) that it was torturous for her. I know, Rooney Mara has been through so much. Miss Sophia should lend Rooney her "ALL MY LIFE!" speech, because this is a girl who has struggled! Obviously. Light a patron saint candle for this young famous actress from a family of multimillionaires after you read about the hardships she's suffered through.

"It was so awful. So stupid. Me and my boyfriend — although I [didn't] look old enough to have a boyfriend — went and beat up these fat people, and at the end of the show you find out that I used to be obese and I hate fat people. It’s ridiculous. Who would ever do that? Who would beat someone up because they’re fat? People are obsessed with that show. I don’t get it."

Miss Sophia seriously just rolled her one good eye at Rooney. Rooney just showed us that she's a GOOP-in-training. How nice of her to drop a lump of ungratefulness all over the show that gave her one of her first acting jobs.

If people weren't obsessed with that show, it would've been canceled a long time ago, she never would've been on it and she probably wouldn't be in that Dragon Girl shit. I mean, Rooney's big movie hasn't even come out yet and she's already Megan Fox-ing at the mouth. Rooney, please pull up a chair next to Kristen Stewart in the HO, STOP section of the auditorium.

And here's more of Rooney wearing a Tron negligee to the GWTDT premiere.

The only time the UK Department of Public Health allows that piece of trash Peaches Geldof into public movie theaters is when the filthy street rats overtake the concession stand and only a diseased gutter snake like her can scare them away. So it must of been a very special occasion for them to let Peaches into London's Odeon Cinema for the premiere of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night and it was. The organizers of last night's premiere knew their red carpet needed some greasy beauty that only Peaches' newest fiancé Thomas Cohen can provide.

Thomas is that ho who put coolots back on the fashion map last August when he strolled around with Peaches while looking like the kind of Asian girl Woody Allen would like to marry. And yeah, now he's about to partake in a pre-divorce ceremony with Peaches, but you know that shit isn't going to last. Thomas is going to pull out as soon as he comes down from the hallucinations a bitch gets after drinking up the fermented syrup that seeps out of Peaches' pores. So we should take in Thomas' beauty while we still can.

Also at last night's Dragon Tattoo premiere was anti-Kardashian activist Daniel Craig and some runaway Vulcan bride.

David Fincher's Americanized version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a family friendly story about a young Swedish maiden who falls in love with the Puff the Magic Dragon and gets a tattoo of his face on her back, is coming out in a couple of months and so he and the movie's Lisbeth Salander Rooney Mara spent a few days creeping out Jonathan Van Meter from Vogue. From reading this mess, it sounds like Rooney licks up the words that dance off of David's tongue and he's got her wrapped around his pinky finger. Bitch is directorized! Basically, it's same kind of relationship I have with Hostess Zingers.

Jonathan went to Sweden, where they filmed that shit, to spend a few days with David and Rooney, and he immediately figured out that if their relationship was sitting in a group therapy session and the therapist asked to say one word that best describes them, everybody in the room would shout the word WEIRD! I mean, if Daniel Craig thinks that shit is weird, then that shit is a new kind of weird.

As Fincher talks about the film, his heroine, Mara—with Salander’s awesomely strange hair, bleached eyebrows, and facial piercings—sits next to him, looking for all the world like a troubled college student who takes too much Adderall. She hangs on his every word, her eyes lit with admiration. Their relationship, it quickly becomes clear, is charged with the electric current of the mentor-protégée crush, which is both touching and occasionally uncomfortable to watch. Or, as Daniel Craig, who costars as a crusading journalist named Mikael Blomkvist, says about their working relationship, “It’s fucking weird!"

Then, at dinner, David and Rooney gave Jonathan a scene right out of Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's dining room when he let her eat.

When a waiter appears to take our order, we are all looking at our menus, but I see out of the corner of my eye Fincher nudging Mara. He says with quiet seriousness, “You can eat.” I look up to see her reaction. Mara rolls her eyes, and Fincher laughs. “You can have lettuce and a grape. A raisin if you must.” She orders a piece of fish and barely touches it.

In the book, Salander is described as boyish and awkward, “a pale, anorexic young woman who has hair as short as a fuse. . . .” Noomi Rapace, the magnetic star of the Swedish versions, looked more like Joan Jett. “One of the things that make our version that much more heartbreaking,” says Mara, “is that even though I am playing a 24-year-old, I look much younger. I look like a child.” I ask if she had to get unhealthily skinny for the role. She says, “Umm . . . not really.” “It hasn’t been too hard for her,” Fincher quickly adds.

Motherfucker, what? I don't care if David was making jokes, you don't joke about eating. If David pulled that shit on my cousin, he would've gotten an under-the-table kick to the crotch and my cousin would've asked the waiter for a dessert menu because she likes to stroke it while she eats her main course. I say this with complete confidence because it happened to me when I made an eating joke in my cousin's presence. Speaking of eating...

Jonathan and Rooney ate on a tomb!

Lunch in hand, we head to her favorite park—which also happens to be a cemetery—only to find every bench occupied. “Is it weird to sit on a tomb?” she says. “It’s kind of perfect, right?” We walk over to one that is big and flat and low. “Is this a good tomb?” Laughing, we spread out our picnic on top of the ancient stone casket.

And finally, David talks about why he didn't cast ScarJo:

Meanwhile, Fincher was also screen-testing every conceivable Salander on the planet. “We flew in people from New Zealand and Swaziland and all over the place,” he says. “Look, we saw some amazing people. Scarlett Johansson was great. It was a great audition, I’m telling you. But the thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.” He stops for a moment. “I keep trying to explain this. Salander should be like E.T. If you put E.T. dolls out before anyone had seen the movie, they would say, ‘What is this little squishy thing?’ Well, you know what? When he hides under the table and he grabs the Reese’s Pieces, you love him! It has to be like that.”

ScarJo as Lisbeth Salander?! Whose brain queefed that idea up? That's like getting Jessica Rabbit to play fucking Pippi Longstocking. Well, at least ScarJo now knows why at the end of her audition David sat there in silence like he was waiting for her to take her clothes off or something. But I think what David really meant to say is: "But the thing with Scarlett is, the bitch can't act." Fixed it for you, David.

And here's more of Rooney working her Bettie Page mullet for Vogue. You know, I sort of like Rooney's jacked up bangs, but only because it reminds me of this girl I worked with a while ago. She was a wannabe riot grrrl in the most tragic way and one day she came in with bangs just like Rooney's. Her hair was a mess! It looked like she was in a cult that doesn't believe in scissors so they cut each other's hair with their teeth. I was about to ask her if she burned her bangs while lighting her bong again when one of my co-workers saw her and shouted loud for everyone to hear, "Bitch, why do you have short bus bangs?!" There's nothing like a co-worker who says some wrong shit, so you don't have to!

This is the international poster for The Girl with the Puff the Magic Dragon Tattoo and it has opened my eyes to one thing: the classic black censor box can officially retire. The black censor box has protected our children's eyes from lady nipples for years and it's served us well. But there's a new nipple-shielding sheriff in town. I'm talking about Daniel Craig's arm. Daniel Craig's arm is an effective nipple blocker and it's attached to Daniel Craig. Is the black censor box attached to Daniel Craig? Exactly.

This is a win/win for everybody. It's a win for followers of the THINK OF THE CHILDREN movement. It's also a win for topless sluts. Even the biggest topless slut out there won't mind her nipples getting blocked if Daniel Craig's arm did the blocking.

Yes, I think Daniel Craig's arm unsuccessfully blocked Rooney Mara's right nipple, but he's still in training. Give him time.