28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.
People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.
You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:
Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!
That headline does make it sound like Mariska Hargitay and Viola Davis adopted one baby friend together, and will either move into one house to raise their baby together or will pass the baby back and forth like a divorced lesbian couple that was never together in the first place. That headline is dipped in wishful thinking, because I'd like to think that there's a baby friend out there who will get dazzled by Mariska's sparkly maple syrup highlights one minute and then get lost in Viola's Lauryn Hill impersonation (I really thought that was Lauryn Hill in the picture above) the next. But nope! They each adopted their own globs of slobber.
Mariska and her husband Peter Hermann adopted a newborn son over the summer, just six months after they adopted their daughter Amaya Josephine. Mariska's adoption application must have been notarized with the wet kiss of St. Angie, because a week after their paperwork processed they got the call. Mariska tells People, “We never in a million years thought it would happen this quickly, but something inside of us knew that this was right, and we said, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’" Mariska and Peter gave their second son (they have another son named August) the boring ass name of Andrew Nicolas Hargitay Hermann. Expect them to form a toddler pop group called The Three As in a few years.
Viola and her husband Julian Tennon also told the celebrity magazine equivalent of an IT'S A GIRL! garage door banner, People, that they adopted a newborn girl like six seconds ago. They named her Genesis after Genesis from The Real World: Boston, I'm assuming! I can't wait until Viola's Genesis is old enough to plaster her own Genesisisms on the wall of her living room just like the reality jewel she was named after.