Category: Joan Van Ark

Presenting The Real Star Of The Carousel Of Hope Ball

October 22, 2012 / Posted by:

While ev.ree.bud.ee is using their bandwidth on ho collector George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, I’m sitting here wondering why all the attention is not going to the real and most important star of Saturday night’s Carousel of Hope Ball: JOAN VAN ARK!

Stacy Keibler might have a team of stylists paid for by George who put her body in the finest (and ugliest) designer gown and she might have a team of hair people paid for by George (Note: In case you haven’t noticed, “Paid for By George” is the current tagline for Stacy’s life) who use the finest products to style her hair into that of a 60-something socialite circa 1968, but she doesn’t look 1/100th as glamorous as Joan Van Ark does and Joan does it all herself!

Yes, Joan picked out that white wedding dress herself at a David’s Bridal clearance sale and then dyed it the color of the tears her haters cry out when they see her looking more beautiful than them. Yes, Joan torched her own brows so they look like two strips of delicious creme brulee. Yes, Joan sandpainted her own face. Joan did it all herself. It’s times that like this when I’m sad to live in a world where Stacy Keibler’s basic ass is getting more attention than the goddess that is Joan Van Ark. This world ain’t right.

Oh, and because some of you ain’t right, I also threw in pictures of Stacy with George Clooney (aka the man slut carousel of hos) at the Carousel of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills.

Larry, Please

October 13, 2012 / Posted by:

As a southern US girl, I am often confronted with the “redneck” tag. Everyone thinks we all have no teeth and stand barefooted and bare-gummed in the front yard with a baby on each hip while our other 11teen children run amok underfoot. For some southerns that may be true, but let’s listen to the wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy to sort it all out.

In OH NO HE DI’INT! news, Larry has thrown down the gauntlet (ty snowpiece!!) regarding what it means to be a redneck. In a video on TMZ, he says that YES he is a redneck. But NO he is not a Honey Boo Boo kind of redneck (fade to black, then to Honey Boo Boo Chile wiping the sweat and sketti sauce from her brow). OMG Larry. Trailers will burn, and tooth will chatter.

It’s kind of funny that I have an inside look at all of this. No I am not a redneck, but I know Larry’s kind of redneck and I know Mama Junes’ kind. And sorry to shade on your parade Larry, but you are thisclose to being one in the same. Rednecks, while an adorable in some ways breed, share a common je ne sais quoi denial about their position in life. You are not a thinker. You are not savvy. You are a redneck. It’s okay, revel in the simplicity of it all as you lovingly hand wash your flannel shirt with the arms cut off. We’ll wait.

It’s kind of like your family reunion, where your always too drunk aunt accosts your always too pilled out aunt about her life decisions. Beautiful, yet train-wrecky and misguided. And the best part is you get to laugh your too drunk and too pilled out ass off at it all, because you came prepared. Yeah, like that.

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