The Deep Fried Love Affair Of Our Time Is Over

The man who looks like Sam Merlotte after a 10-day meth binge no longer has the key to the attic that Daddy Spears locks Brit Brit in every night, because their engagement is over. Damn you, blind items, for being right sometimes. TMZ, People and Radar all say that when Brit Brit wakes up tomorrow morning with the AM farts, like she does every morning, she won’t be able to dutch oven Jason Trawick, because he won’t be there. That’s the saddest part of all.

TMZ says that Jason’s paws have also been ripped off of Brit Brit’s checking account, because he’s no longer one of her conservators. Brit Brit’s lawyers were in court this afternoon to get a judge to make Daddy Spears the sole conservator. I don’t even know if Jason is an agent anymore, but Brit Brit recently moved away from his agency to another. Some source says that it was a “friendly” breakup and they’re going to stay friends. Radar says that Jason has already moved all of his shit out of Casa de Frapp. Daddy Spears wrote a statement, grabbed Brit Brit’s hand, made her sign it and then released it to People:

“Jason and I have decided to call off our engagement. I’ll always adore him and we will remain great friends.”

And Jason said:

“As this chapter ends for us a new one begins. I love and cherish her and her boys and we will be close forever.”

So Brit Brit is single and might be heading to Las Vegas to move her lips and barely wave her arms in a sit down show. I really hope that Brit Brit goes to Vegas and I really hope that Daddy Spears chooses the current adonis of Vegas, Carrot Top, as her next leased fiance. Because Carrot Top will definitely appreciate her deconstructed Cheeto earrings (that’s what’s on her ears, right?) and I really need to see pictures of her nibbling on his mop after mistaking his hair for curly fries.

The Court-Ordered Wedding Of The Year Is Off

After reading about the tragic death of Hostess, I just knew this was going to happen next. How can Brit Brit have a third wedding if Hostess isn’t around to make her a four-tier gourmet wedding cake? The words “I do” won’t mean a thing if Brit Brit’s breath doesn’t smell like Twinkie jizz and Fruit Pie filling while saying it.

Radar says that the court-appointed romance between Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck is almost as dead as her delivery on The X-Factor. Juicy Couture has stopped making a custom-made velour gown and UGGs have stopped bedazzling a pair of fleece bridal flip-flops, because Brit Brit and Jason’s December wedding isn’t going to happen. Some source says that Brit Brit is tired of Jason acting like he’s her master even though there’s a legal document on file that says he is. The source said this:

“Britney and Jason had planned to get married at the end of December, but they have been fighting non-stop so the wedding has now been called off. They are telling their friends it’s being postponed, but they will probably never make it down the aisle. Britney doesn’t think Jason is any fun and resents him because he acts more like a second father than a romantic partner, or equal. Britney and Jason have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a very long time. She has been staying in a hotel during the week because of the live X Factor shows, and although Jason stays at the same hotel, he is in a room adjacent to hers. Jason feels like he is Britney’s babysitter and it’s pretty much just a business arrangement at this point. Jason does love Britney and the boys, but he just can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with her.

Britney’s parents are absolutely devastated that the wedding has been called off. Lynne is very close to Jason and views him as one of her children. Meanwhile, Jamie feels that Jason shouldn’t have proposed to Britney if his heart wasn’t in it, and feels a little betrayed. It doesn’t help matters that both Jamie and Jason are co-conservators of Britney. The whole situation is just sad for everyone.”

So let’s see, Brit Brit and Sam MerLESS don’t sleep in the same bed, have frowns on their faces when they’re together and she can’t change her tampon over the toilet without him peeking his head in to make sure she’s not offing herself or anything. They’re already acting like an average married couple, so they shouldn’t even bother with that ceremony shit. And Piggly Wiggly shouldn’t feel sad about losing a catering job, because Miley Cyrus is still getting married soon.

And here’s the Louisiana trailer park flower going shopping without parental supervision in Beverly Hills yesterday. I’m not dry heaving over those UGGette boots on her feet, because I’m too busy staring at those giant bleached footprints on her jeans.

In Case You Missed It, Jason Trainwreck’s Video Love Note For Brit Brit

So, I used to have this boyfriend who liked to call me “kitten” (“Does anybody know where I can find a vampire to glamour that thought from the storage unit in my brain?” – you) as a joke and one time I was playing my voicemails on speakerphone in the break room of my job. Just as my boyfriend said “Hi kitten, it’s me,” my supervisor strolls in and says something like, “I know you’re not a 4-year-old white girl and I know that’s not your father. That voicemail is completely inappropriate and nobody other than you needs to hear that. Shit, I don’t even know if you need to hear it.” She had a point. That’s sort of how I feel about this video message one of Brit Brit’s owners, Jason Trawick, uploaded for the whole world to see.

It’s supposed to be sweet, but to me it looks like a cross between a death bed goodbye video and a hostage situation video. Either dude got into Brit Brit’s pill stash or he’s bleeding from the butt and slowly falling into a coma while recording this mess. Even his tongue sounds drugged up. I mean, that lisp….

via NYDN