Open Post: Hosted By An Important Update On Victoria From “Maury”

April 3, 2018 / Posted by:

The executives at MTV probably pray every night for someone to build a time machine so that they can go back to 2006 and give teenage wreck Victoria from Maury the reality shit show she deserves. They’d call it Wannabe Teen Mom, of course.

On a 2006 episode of Maury, 15-year-old Victoria Thompson became an internet STAH when she proudly declared that she was trying to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother to an actual human baby by having sex with not one, not two, but three different guys. While speaking in an accent I like to call “faux L.A. area chola,” Victoria spit out these lines that made parents look into sending their kids to military school as soon as they became teenagers:

“I would do whatever it takes to take care of MAH baby! If it comes down to me prostituting MAH body, then so be it!”

“I’m gonna dress MAH baby in all brand names, and if I can’t support it, then I guess I’m gunna still it.”

“I’m not just having sex with one, not two, but three different guys. That’s right, I’m a player, but that’s cool, cuz’ I got it like dat.”

“MAH life’s game is to drop out of school to be on Girls Gone Wild and to have MAH baby, and there’s nothing my stupid mother can say to change MAH mind!”

Victoria was truly a teen mess before her time. The Cash Me Ousside Girl is allegedly making millions from saying just one stupid line on Maury. So Victoria would’ve become a billionaire mogul thanks to a line of pacifiers, a Teen Moms Gone Wild franchise and a hit rap song called “‘Cuz I Got It Like That.” Victoria didn’t become a billionaire pacifier mogul, but she did return to Maury in an episode that aired today and announced that she has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five kids!

Any self-respecting Dlisted reader (I know, that’s an oxymoron since it’s impossible for you to have respect for yourself if you read Dlisted) has definitely memorized every line in Victoria’s original episode, but in case you haven’t seen it:

Since then, Victoria has returned to Maury a few times. She returned when she was 18 to announce she was pregnant with her first child and was not going to do hood rat stuff (copyright: Latarian Milton) to provide for her kid. Victoria was back on Maury in 2010 for a very special “You ARE The Father” episode. The father of Victoria’s baby believed that he might not actually be the father because of her past. He turned out to be the father. And on today’s episode of Maury, Victoria was back for a 11 year update on her life.

Judging by how she looks now, I was expecting Victoria to announce that she really grew up to be Demi Lovato. But instead, 26-year-old Victoria talked about how she has five kids with the same man, is married to him, and doesn’t have to still clothes for her babies, because she works as a registered nurse.

Before you slow clap for Victoria getting her shit together, she was arrested in 2016 for a probation violation. And no she wasn’t on probation for stillin’, she was on probation for getting caught with a controlled substance. I’m still going to slow clap for her, and mostly because she grew into a gorgeous woman who knows the importance of a strong Sharpie brow. Wait, was a Sharpie the controlled substance?

Pic: YouTube

 

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