Joey Fatone wasn’t lying when he said that NSYNC was not going to inject some hotness (don’t act like Joey Fatone thrusting his crotch ain’t the epitome of hotness) into the Super Bowl halftime show. Janet Jackson wasn’t lying when she said that she was not going to save the Super Bowl halftime show by popping up on the stage to pull a front panel on Justin Timberlake’s pants and reveal his pierced right nut. Sheila E wasn’t lying when she said that there would not be a Prince hologram during the Super Bowl halftime show. There wasn’t a Prince hologram, but there was a blurry ass Prince projection on a giant wrinkly sheet.
There wasn’t even anything Prince-like about that sheet! It didn’t look silk. It didn’t have ruffles or rhinestones on it. And it wasn’t covered with fuck-made sweat, cum stains or coochie juices.
Being the selfish, greedy whore that he is, Justin Timberlake didn’t have any live guest stars during his halftime show at the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, Minnesota tonight. The closest to a guest star was a Prince projection, which played during JT’s short tribute to Minneapolis’ 3 foot sex bomb in 6 inch heels. Besides his tribute to Prince, JT did his biggest hits, and some of his performance was hard to hear, and not just because everybody at your Super Bowl party was snoring loudly at that blah show. JT’s performance had sound issues. I was going to say that Prince’s ghost probably sabotaged JT’s sound as an act of revenge for projecting his sexiness on a boring factory-defected sheet, but I don’t think that’s what happened. Prince was going to sabotage JT, but while watching the rehearsal from the great beyond, he figured that he shouldn’t bother since the performance was going to sabotage itself.
This performance made me say a line I’ve never said or even thought of in my entire life: “I wish I was watching football instead.” We needed Janet Jackson’s nipple to bring some excitement to this bitch.
As for his look, JT continued to look like he was about to come up to you and say, “Hello, I’m Justin and I’m the manager here at this Brass Pro shop and I just want to let you know that we’re having a sale on all baitcast reels.” If JT is going to insist on shoving his Cabela’s drag down our throat, he could at least take it all the way by wrestling a grizzly bear on the stage. I bet Joey Fatone pitched that to JT and offered to rent his own grizzly bear costume. And I went through the gay hanky code and couldn’t find what it means when you wear an orange hanky around your neck. I’m guessing it means that your kink is boring people to death.
On a positive note, Justin Timberlake achieved the impossible: he got upstaged by a sheet. Because as basic as that sheet was, it still stole the show when Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness was projected on it. And yes, the project of Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness lip-synched better than JT.