Daniel Craig C’aint Quit Bond

July 10, 2017 / Posted by:

First off, let me introduce myself! My name is Mieka and I’m likely old enough to be your mother but am actually your fun auntie who smokes you out in her car in the driveway after Thanksgiving dinner. I’m from Berkeley, California but I do not fux wit white people with dreads. I currently live in Switzerland, so good luck trying to find and murder me. Last night I had an anxiety dream where I met The Rock in a bar and tried to talk him into sending me pictures of his new dog (who was named Gipfel which is Swiss German for croissant so actually a really cute name) for a Dlisted post and he became sullen and irritated with me. In my mind, I’m the kind of monster who wipes the smile off The Rock’s face. I am genuinely humbled and grateful to be part of the Dlisted family so seriously, please do not try to murder me.

The Mirror is reporting that Daniel Craig has agreed to don The Tux once again and reprise his role as James Bond for the fifth time. Back in 2015 Craig was possessed by a 14 year old emo girl when he dramatically declared “I’d rather break this glass and slash my wrists” when asked if he’s ever play Bond again. He then slammed his bedroom door, cranked up the Fall Out Boy and angrily journaled about how nobody respects him as real AC-TOR. But then mom (producer Barbara Broccoli) gently knocked on the door and told him she made his favorite meatloaf and if he’d come down to dinner she’d let him sit next to Aunt Adele (who might also return to do the theme song) and give him millions of more dollars. Apparently that may have been incentive enough so Craig put on his big boy pants (you know the ones, they are just a little too tight in the crotch) and came down to take his seat at the table, as expected.

This news is a total bummer for millions who have been fantasizing about Idris Elba reaching into exquisitely tailored slacks and pulling out his 007. Not only would Idris have given us all the genital tingles we need from Bond, the casting would have kept him off the ones and twos which, frankly, is becoming an embarrassment:

A source tells The Mirror that Daniel Craig is probably going to stop playing hard to get and will sign on for his fifth movie and Adele may do the theme song again.

“Craig and Adele together are the winning team, the ultimate choice, the money spinners. It’s taken time but Daniel has come round and the strong con–sensus in the Bond offices is that Mr Craig is 007 again. As for Adele, she’s more of an unknown quantity but loved being part of Bond, so the signs are positive.”

Daniel Craig was fun at first but his mean-mugging, near-neanderthal shtick has grown tiresome. Even though Spectre, his last Bond outing, made a shit-ton of money, the world is too fucked up right now for a taciturn Bond who’s only in it for the cash. We need a new, fun, cool Bond who’s got jokes and sex-appeal and isn’t as rough as an old leather bag that barely survived that Niagara Falls barrel stunt back in 1923. Remember how much fun Roger Moore was (RIP)?!

If my name was Barbara Broccoli I’d be looking at Luke Evens, John Boyega, Joshua Sasse or Riz Ahmed while waiting in line at the DMV to legally change my name. But well, at least the new Bond isn’t Tom Hiddleston.

Pic: Wenn.com

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