The 2017 Tonys had only one job to do and that was to give us Bette Midler yodeling out a song from Hello Dolly! That didn’t happen. Thirty five layers of NOT AMUSED swept across my face when I realized that the rumors about Bette not performing at the Tonys were true. The phones at CBS’ offices probably exploded from mad bitches demanding a damn refund of their time when the performance from Hello Dolly! turned out to be Niles Crane singing a boring song in front of a boring curtain. But Bette Midler kind of made up for it when she shut down the orchestra who dared try to play her away from the mic.
As expected, Bette Midler beat Denée Benton, Christine Ebersole, Patti LuPone and Eva Noblezada for the Tony for the Best Actress in a Musical. Bette won a special Tony award in 1974, but last night was the first time she won a competitive Tony. While done up like an Angie Dickinson impersonator, Bette thanked everyone she’s ever met, and while praising Hello Dolly, the orchestra tried to get her to shush by playing “Shut The Fuck Up Already” music. But they learned that you don’t play Bette Midler off. Bette Midler plays you off.
And it’s a good thing for that conductor that Bette was a shoo-in and that Patti didn’t win instead. Because if Patti won and was played off, that conductor would’ve been shitting out pieces of their wooden baton for days after she shoved it up their ass.
Speaking of shit, I feel like it and am probably coming down with something gross. So this post will be my last for today. I need to spend the rest of the day curled up next to my laptop in bed while praying to this picture of St. Rojo Caliente (whose wife won a Tony last night). Oh, St. Rojo please bestow your healing ginger rays upon me and rid me of the sicks.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty