Donald And Melania Trump Tour The Dump They’ll Probably Try To Tear Down To Build A Gold Palace

November 10, 2016 / Posted by:

The day after thousands of people took to the streets to protest against America’s future evil orange overlord, the hardened glob of lithium grease and Melania Trump toured the little DC pied-à-terre they’ll move into next year. As Melania strolled through the dusty old shack she’s been forced to downgrade to, she made an internal checklist of all of the things she’ll need to switch out with something gold, crystal or marble. Eventually her internal checklist got so big that she decided to chuck it and declare that bitch a tear-down. Melania will get her husband to use his pull to rip the White House of its landmark status, so they can bulldoze that shanty down and build a gold skyscraper palace fit for the Queen of the United States! No, she’s not going to do that. She’s going to keep everything, even her idol Michelle Obama’s sleepin’ pillow, which she’ll hug and sniff every night.

As expected, the King of the Birthers met President Obama in the Oval Office at the White House and they both survived. Jabba the Trump and Obama’s meeting was supposed to be a quickie 10-minute presidential orientation, but they spent 90-minutes together. It probably took them a while to get started. President Obama spent the first 30 minutes in stoned silence because he still can’t believe that this is a real thing that’s happening. Trump probably also spent the first 30 minutes in stoned silence because he still can’t believe that his stunt went this far. Afterward, President Obama told reporters that they had an “excellent” conversation about “wide-ranging” topics and that Michelle also met with her #1 fan Melania. Obama said some other stuff but it’s kind of hard to hear over a dozen fucking secretaries taking minutes on old-timey typewriters.

Trump will probably make his minions sell every painting in that office in a yard sale on the White House lawn and he’ll replace them with portraits of himself. So I call dibs on that Statue of Liberty painting above the head of the yacked-up hairball, Don’t even look at it, bitch!

Pic: Getty

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