JEEEEEEEAH! The International Scandal Of Our Time Is Finally Over!

August 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Everybody can finally relax and un-clench our ass cheeks, because we’re not going into World War III thanks to Ryan Lochte’s pee. (That rhymed and I’m not proud of it.)  Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger (not pictured), the two swimmers who were never facing an indictment because they never filed a police report, were released by authorities in Rio and are back in the U.S. Their lawyer told NBC News that they had nothing to do with Ryan’s robbery story. Jimmy Feigen (not pictured), who was facing an indictment with Ryan since they filed a police report, agreed to pay a $10,800 donation to a Brazilian charity to resolve the case. He can now leave Brazil. And Ryan Lochte (pictured), the mastermind of it all, has apologized. It is over….until 2020 when Ryan does it all over again in Tokyo.

Ryan released this apology statement on Instagram today:


No. Ryan’s real apology statement reads as though a team of publicists, a rep from the U.S. Olympic Committee and lawyers wrote it together as Ryan played Pokemon Go. They should’ve at least thrown in one “JEAH!” to make it look somewhat like Ryan had any say in it. “Ryan” spit out a sorry for his behavior and for not being clear about the story. He didn’t specifically deny or confirm trashing the bathroom, and he’s still standing by his story that the security guard demanded cash from them while pointing a gun.

A photo posted by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on

The USOC apologized to Rio and the people of Brazil, and also said that they’re going to review what went down and decide whether or not to punish Ryan, James, Jack or Gunnar in some way. An official from the USOC told TMZ that all 4 swimmers lied to them at first. After Ryan’s mom blabbed to the media, the USOC interviewed each swimmer by himself. They all claimed that their taxi was pulled over by thieves pretending to be cops. The USOC believes that all 4 swimmers agreed to go with that story. That story later changed, of course. As for the damage, the Today show went to that gas station and didn’t see any damage to the bathroom in question. Today thinks that either the damage was fixed or there was none to begin with. TMZ reported that the swimmers did put a crack in a plastic sign for sandwiches and that the gas station owner demanded money for the damage. The swimmers offered up $50, but the gas station owner wanted more, so they gave him $400. The authorities in Brazil claim that Ryan and his bros gave the gas station owner 100 Reals and a $20 bill, which totals around $50.


The dude on Today said that even though someone was translating for them, the whole mess could’ve been a lost-in-translation situation. The Portuguese-speaking security guards were asking for money to cover the damage, and the English-speaking swimmers didn’t think they did anything wrong and thought they were getting robbed. But let’s say the security guards spoke English, it probably still would’ve been a lost-in-translation situation because Ryan Lochte. After the security guards ordered Ryan and the other swimmers to sit down on the ground in a line, the scene would’ve went like this:

Security guard: Sir, you’re going to need to pay for that damage.

Ryan: ……….

Security guard: Or we can call the police?

Ryan: Errr, mother, may I take two steps forward?

Security guard: Sir, just pay for the damage.

Ryan: Dude, you didn’t say red light or green light.

Security guard: Jesus, what did you drink?

Ryan: Bro, what game are we playing again?

Pic: Getty

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >