Finally, Proof That Girl Scout Cookies Save Lives!

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m taking a break from talking non-stop about Bruce Jenner’s ass and metal poisoning of the pussy to bring you this story of survival and Girl Scout Cookies. I knew there was a good reason for why I keep 14 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my freezer. They are a miracle food that saves lives! Take note, Dr. Oz, that’s how you use the word “miracle” the right way!

The Associated Press (via People) says that on April 11th, 56-year-old Lee Wright and her 52-year-old sister Leslie Roy were driving through a desolate part of Michigan when their SUV got stuck in the snow. They thought the roads would be paved, but they weren’t. Their cell phones didn’t get any service and it was way too cold, snowy and gross to get out and walk toward help. So they really had no choice but to stay in their SUV and hope that Elsa from Frozen stomped on by after having another stupid fight with her sister.

The only kind of food they had in their SUV were 8 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies they bought from a relative and a bag of cheese puffs. They also had water and they made their own water from snow. Since the road they were on is hardly used, they were in that bitch for two goddamn weeks. Lee and Leslie had a reservation at a hotel in Mackinaw City on April 11th, but of course they didn’t show up. The bad news about being trapped in an SUV for two weeks is that you’re trapped in an SUV for two weeks. But the good news is that at least you have delicious Girl Scout Cookies to keep your mouth busy and if you’re going to die, you may as well die with the taste of Thin Mints on your tongue.

The power in their SUV eventually went out and they had to keep warm by wearing pretty much all the clothes they packed for their trip.

On Friday, after nearly two weeks of searching for them, a helicopter finally spotted their SUV. They were SAVED! They were fine, but a little weak.

That sounds like the plot for the reworking of Alive starring Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

Lee and Leslie need to take over as the new hosts of Man vs. Wild. Fuck Bear Grylls and his drinking piss and eating larvae shit. These ladies know that the key to staying alive in the wild is to always have a stash of Girl Scout Cookies and cheese puffs on you. And I can hear every stoner going, “Pff,” because most of us have survived on nothing but Girl Scout Cookies and Cheetos for years.

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