Dakota Johnson’s face is the face I make when I’m about to gobble down a Triple Steak Stack and a Cinnabon iced coffee from Taco Bell.
Jamie Dornan’s face is the face I make an hour later when all that Taco Bell has attacked my bowels in a bad way and I’m a fart away from letting it all go and there’s not one available toilet nearby.
The new Edward and Bella, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, are on the cover of Glamour giving off the sexual chemistry of a dead Tilapia and a taxidermied squirrel. If John Travolta and Rojo Caliente made a porn together, they would have more hot sexual chemistry than these two. It’s as if thirty seconds before that picture was taken, Jamie Dornan’s assistant told him that his puppy was murdered, Betty White is in jail for doing it, Orange is the New Black was canceled, a reboot of Showgirls starring Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor was announced, Andy Capp Hot Fries filed for bankruptcy and he found out that he just lost a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. It’s like he got the worst news ever all at once and then had to pose with her.
This was probably the exact moment when he realized that every magazine will call him “Fifty Shades of Grey star Jamie Dornan” for the rest of his life!